Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

[angryoldman]

OK, I've been having some "internal" issues recently, so I decided to go see a shrink before vacation. There's too many changes going on in my life. A new baby, a new job, cholesterol problems, me and Mrs Agry are thinking about the future, college tuition, just life in general. Plus, after my son was born dead and revived a few minutes after birth, that changed me forever. That image and thought will be etched in my brain until I'm 100 (if I live that long). I think that's when my internal issues started. From that day forward. I mean, I loved someone I never met before, then in an instant, that person was almost taken from me. It really fucked with my head HARD! I was a wreck for like 2 moths after my son was born. So fast forward over the next few months. I have been having viloent thoughts and violent dreams. So bad I nearly come close to carrying the thoughts out. Road rage is a big problem for me. And I am licensed to carry a firearm. Now I know I would never do anything like that, but I can see myself getting road rage, and either me or someone else ending up dead. So, back to the point. I go see a shrink who tells me to write down my feelings in a journal whenever something pops into my head. Just write away on how I feel, my expressions, whatever. Tonight, I must have written a novel. About 16 pages of feelings. And you know what??? I don't feel a damn bit better! I take an Adivan, and I feel like a million bucks. I write, I feel like I want to kill someone. I take a pill, and the world is good. Weird, huh? Just thought I'd share.

[yamaha147]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

damn bro u have alot going on right now...take it a day at a time and tell ur shrink exactly what goes through your head when u write things down...That way u can both find a new approach and solution to ur problems...Things can only get better for you bro....Take it one day at a time...keep us posted!---Yamaha

[mick-G]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

How high is your cholesterol AOM?, also what were your previous cycles like and are you on one now? Im sure you know that there are certain aas that can bring on roid rage in some ppl, but this is my thoughts, but i think that also high bp, or higher cholesterol levels can bring them on (roid rage, or even high stress levels) pehaps more than ppl with normal levels. I know it can be hard, but you must allow time for yourself, and alittle time with you and your wife alone. Try some self meditation or even yoga. This may help with stress. Red yeast rice and avoiding sat and trans fats will also help with reducing high cholesterol. Try not too much to think about the future and only about one day to the next. You need to clear your mind and relax. Life will get better. You have a child and wife, so be happy! Some ppl don't have that much.

[DJDIGGLER]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

Sucks your going through that stuff. When I was in my teens my parents put me through counseling and they also had me write in a journal. They made me write 5 things that were bad that day and 5 that were good. See if I they told me to just write a journal my brain would by default probably only come up with negative things since life wasn't so great then. That's why they made me come up with 5 good things to. Kind of makes you learn how to be optimistic even in a shitty situation. Sounds like you should try it, maybe it will help.

I don't want to go into it much but violence only breeds more violence. Next time your driving and get absolutely insane, stop and figure out what music is playing or maybe a commercial. Figure out if it pumps you up, annoys you, or is just calm music. Chances are it's something aggressive that will just further drive you up the wall. Or if it's something annoying that's on it will also add to your anger. Try to find something that sooth's you like maybe Bob Marley or something that is not upbeat, but more laid back. Listen to that when you drive and see if that helps.

Here's one last tip that is most important. It will sound very very stupid but if you watch gory movies stop at all costs. The violent thoughts in your head are triggered by things your mind see's. Believe me if you do watch those types of movies and you cut them out of your life you will notice a dramatic decrease in your violent thoughts.

If you need to talk at all bro feel free to pm me. I've gone through and still sometimes go through similar thoughts & reactions but have learned alot of stuff. Hang in there bud!

[Stout1]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

Don't become dependant on the pills to fix the "problems" you are having now. If that happens your issues will be 10000x worse. Last thing you need is an addiction spun off from this. Not saying you will but most people get addicted to things just like what you are going through, so be careful.

[T-Man007]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

I think you are looking at life backwards brother. Instead of changes, you have blessings, IMO. You have been blessed with a son, blessed with a new job and blessed with the comfort that modern medicine can cure high cholesterol. You are lucky to be giving the opportunity to be a father, a husband and have a job. Many people never experience happiness in any of those areas and you have the chance to have it in all three. From what I know of you, you seem like a good man and I know you will get over this. Hit your knees before bed bro and your dreams will be peaceful. If I remember correctly, you are a believer, right? Put your problems on Him then.

Sorry for the sermon guys! LOL That's just where my mind is right now. LOL

[angryoldman]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

Amen to all of you folks! First off, I am not "depressed". We ruled that out. I have anxiety. And with my anxiety, I have anxiety attacks. THOSE are fun! Cold sweats, passing out, more sweats, it's phuquing horrible. As for my violent thoughts, I have a history of those. When I was a young kid, I was in a fight every week. I mean, a physical fist fight. And I was pretty damn good to! So when you're good at something, you want to keep practicing and practicing. So we would go out on weekends intentionally with the sole purpose of fighting. That was about 12 years ago. Then you run into that one guy who can fight better than you, and you rethink it all. So violent behavior is no stranger. But these violent thoughts I'm having these days are more morbid. I won't go into detials, but it involves the death of my children (GOD FORBID), my family, etc.... Just whacky shit like that. Some nights, I would wake up crying, sweating, or screaming. It depends on what nightmare I was having. My wife: I love her. She's been my rock all along.
As for "roid Rage", no chance. I'm having viloent thoughts, that have been there for a long time. Roid rage would seem logical, but not in this case. And I agree, pills are not the answer. But damn, I get madder than hell, and an hour after an adivan, I'm picking daisey's in the back yard.

[Lily]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

All of you guys gave some very good advice!!

Keep talking to the Dr and keeping a journal....and yes, write some good things!!

I'm not sure on your beliefs,but if your dream is always the same, I'd do some research on dream analysis? Or ask the Dr about it? If your witnessing the death of your family it could be an insecurity that you have about not being able to protect your family ???

oh and keep the gun under lock and key...don't carry it around just because you can...that's asking for trouble.

You will work things out.....

[trip]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

Wow, what honesty angryoldman, that has to be respected to the utmost.


Without going into a big long spiel. Suggestion, look at each of these. Mick-g's right about the blood pressure, that can effect differently people differently, if you're already high strung, it could make you more agitated. Also, go check out ADD, attention deficit disorder.

Alright, don't go overboard, this is not a bad thing, lot's of folks have it to a mild degree and it is actually a big plus in their life, until they hit some brick wall along the way.

Basically, you're very smart, hard working and have a superfast brain, more so than almost all others. Thus, when anxiety shit get's out of whack it ramps up fast and is hard to get back down.

Let's look at it this way. Most likely fits, both bp and add struggles.

Average brain drives at 55

Your brain drives at 75-80, on average, so you are always hard charging and doing more than most, yet, it's 100% normal to you and feels right, hell, it's even a little exciting.

Your brain get's stressed out, and now you feel like you're driving at 100, now if you were driving a car at a hundred on the freeway, you can imagine all kinds of shit that would pass through your mind. Best bet is cause you're smart, you wouldn't crash, you'd find innovative ways around folks, yet, after awhile it becomes tiring and too many close calls tells you intelectually "one of these days"

The medicine just floods your brain with lots and lots of medicine to slow the brain down to let's say 65, and yup you feel like a million bucks cause you're on a Sunday drive.

Also, where as writing is good for some, you might be better with verbal journaling, talking to someone more often, who listens very well, doesn't judge criticize or gives you advice, just let's you get it out verbally, or perhaps like tman says you have just forgotten how blessed and you need to take action to cement those feelings, thus maybe some volunteer work with folks in dire need, this way, not only do you see stuff you hear stuff and feel stuff, thus you hit more of the emotional context of stuff, so it could help better.

hoped that helped
good luck

[sunnshine_ahead]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

I know how you feel about the journaling...it tends to agitate me more than I was to begin with.

[angryoldman]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

Wow, what honesty angryoldman, that has to be respected to the utmost.

Thanks!

Basically, you're very smart, hard working and have a superfast brain, more so than almost all others. Thus, when anxiety shit get's out of whack it ramps up fast and is hard to get back down.

Well, you know, I do hold a Bachelors degree from Penn State, but we won't get into that. Just kidding. Thnks for the compliment again. It sounds like you're trying to get into my pants so far.

Let's look at it this way. Most likely fits, both bp and add struggles.

Average brain drives at 55

Your brain drives at 75-80, on average, so you are always hard charging and doing more than most, yet, it's 100% normal to you and feels right, hell, it's even a little exciting.

Your brain get's stressed out, and now you feel like you're driving at 100, now if you were driving a car at a hundred on the freeway, you can imagine all kinds of shit that would pass through your mind. Best bet is cause you're smart, you wouldn't crash, you'd find innovative ways around folks, yet, after awhile it becomes tiring and too many close calls tells you intelectually "one of these days".

You sir, just hit the nail right exactly on the head. That is EXACTLY the way I feel 99% of the time. My mind is always racing. My thoughts are always going. I'm always thinking about something. Thinking of a way to make this better, or a way to make more money off that. Etc..... My wife tells me I need to slow down. Her and I will be talking about one thing, then a minute later I switch the conversation.

[T-Man007]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

You sir, just hit the nail right exactly on the head. That is EXACTLY the way I feel 99% of the time. My mind is always racing. My thoughts are always going. I'm always thinking about something. Thinking of a way to make this better, or a way to make more money off that. Etc..... My wife tells me I need to slow down. Her and I will be talking about one thing, then a minute later I switch the conversation.

Ah ha! You need somethign to challenge yourself mentally. I recommend Chess. It is by far the deepest game you can play, IMO. But, you have to find a worthy opponent. Beating your children will not do the job. My wife doesn't play and my son is only 3, so I play the PC. I win sometimes, key word beign sometimes, LOL. If my mind is going is a thousand directions at once, which is does often, playing Chess makes me focus on just one thing. It slows me down and calms me down. Wether I win or not is not the quest, I use it to get peace of mind.

Also, since I live in Colorado, I will sometimes go for a trail hike and go for 1-2 hours depending on how much I need to clear my thoughts. There is no way I can be out in these awesome mountains and be thinking about my stresses, I just can't. Then, when I get back, I feel like I just returned from vacation and I'm ready to tackle what ever comes my way. A long walk will allow you to get outside and let your senses go crazy. There are sights, sounds and smells that we all take for granted when we are too wrapped up in the hustle and buslte of life. If you can wing it where you can walk with your wife you will find yourselves striking up conversations that you would have never thought of sitting on the couch.

Keep going to the counselor. There are things you will be able to tell them that you wont want to tell anyone else and they will be able to get to the root of these thoughts and probably help you rid yourself of them.

[trip]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

Well, let's see here, if this will help.

All this thinking you do is most likely very specific in nature.

There are two types of thinking 1. general 2. specific

General-"It's hot out."

Specific-"It's 90 degree's 50% humidity, the sun is right over head with no shade, and there's no wind."

Most folks think most of the time in general term, yet, it's a good bet with a fast brain you're almost always in specific mode.

Great Strengths

1. Problem Solving Skills High
2. Creative - finding new ways to do stuff
3. Very observant - don't miss a beat on almost anything anywhere


Great Weakness's

1. See almost everything as a problem and try and solve it ( way way too specific ) when in reality only about 20% of problems have a solution where as 80% don't........alot of time is waisted on that 80% and emotional energy

2. Constantly projecting into the future about problems and solutions, and when done in a specific mind, it's like trying to predict the lotto, almost always wrong, yet, a hell of a high when you are right, which over time you begin to feel the mounting of losses

3. Lot's of time miss solutions and problems that are only general in nature

4. tendency to only see the logical, and miss the emotional aspect of problem solving


If you're a big specific thinker you're going to need to hit all the senses to change that point of view, see things, here things, touch things, smell things, hey maybe even taste, lol

Also, if alot of you're problem solving solutions involve some for of "working harder" , you're just in for a nice growth lesson in the future.

By thinking specifically all the time there is alot of emotional comfort in seeing and controlling the field to use a sport analogy.

As we age though and become WISER which you are you begin to realize the fruitlessness in constant control .

Talk to your person about Behavior Modification, basically just need to rewrite a few lines of code in the brain, and that is done through repetition and re-inforcement.

hoped that helped
good luck

ps-bad thoughts fairly common with anxiety, rarely do folks discuss them, yet, it's common, good thing as you mentioned you got zip desire to act out and have control on that

in time you should be back to snuff and doing great

[trip]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

wow t-man, just read you're post after posted mine

hiking, action oriented, you see things, hear things, smell things, maybe even taste things on occasion---clean air etc. , and end up feeling different

that is an example of what i mean, it get's all of the senses involved

excellent example

[DJDIGGLER]

Re: Can I rant? Maybe a little glimpse into my warped mind?

That means your a fellow "Type A personality" angryoldman. Always in high gear!