New Rules At Work
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Employee Rules
>
>UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
>
>DRESS CODE
>
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
>see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
>you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
>dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
>not need a raise.
>
>SICK DAYS
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
>are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS
>
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
>
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>RESTROOM USE
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict
>3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
>will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
>a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
>posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK
>
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
>lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
>directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week!
>
>THE MANAGEMENT
Happiness is a mental decision, often a challenge of huge magnitude but still no more and no less than a choice one makes each day. Time will pass and end for one and all, it's the things we think and do that will define us. The day unfolds before you, what will you write upon it's pages?- Chris Rice 08/2007
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