Employee Rules

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>UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

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>DRESS CODE

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>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we

>see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we

>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

>If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that

>you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you

>dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do

>not need a raise.

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>SICK DAYS

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>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you

>are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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>PERSONAL DAYS

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>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

>Saturday & Sunday.

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>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

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>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have

>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee

>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and

>subsequently leave one hour early.

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>RESTROOM USE

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>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict

>3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm

>will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and

>a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be

>posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

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>LUNCH BREAK

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>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that

>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for

>lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

>

>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive

>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,

>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

>allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be

>directed elsewhere.

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>Have a nice week!

>

>THE MANAGEMENT