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With the NFL season set to start, a ritual has already begun that shapes the world we live in, turns boys into men and even dates all the way back to the beginning of mankind. I’m talking about the fantasy football draft.
Alright, I may have oversold that just a smidge. Obviously, fantasy football doesn’t go back to the beginning of our existence, but the essence of it does: competition. You can give whatever reason you want -- it makes the games more interesting, it’s a way to keep in touch with old friends, it helps give your life meaning -- but the real reason any of us play fantasy football is so we can crush other men in yet another form of competition.
When you figure that out, it casts a whole new light on your upcoming fantasy draft. There are countless articles out there about draft etiquette or the kind of people who show up to your draft. That’s nice and cute, but it doesn’t help you to win your draft. And unless you can spare hours on end researching Cleveland’s third-string running back who could have a breakout year if everyone in front of him gets hurt, you’ll be just as clueless as the next guy.
Disclaimer: I can’t help you to win your league. Nothing you read can. Unless you can see into the future, you can’t know today who will score three touchdowns on the last game of the season, when all of the good teams are resting their starters anyway. That’s bullsh*t. Plus, half the people in your league will stop caring halfway into the season. What really matters is winning the draft. You want to come away with everyone else knowing for a fact that you owned that draft and everyone in it. Here are five ways to accomplish that.
Sarcasm is your friend
Anybody can say “LaDainian Tomlinson sucks!” But since that’s neither true, nor clever, it doesn’t make any impact. A well-placed comment can do wonders. “Hey, good for you. Even though all the evidence is there that he’s washed up and has nowhere to go but downhill, you still used your first pick on him. Way to be your own man." Feel that burn?
Pick on the strong
Every year there’s always one guy who shows up to your draft with seven different fantasy magazines, a notebook full of furiously scribbled notes and a foolproof game plan. To the uninformed masses, he will seem like the clear favorite. That’s why you need to take him down.
After every pick of his, chuckle quietly. Since he will no doubt be expecting unanimous praise for his selection, your chuckle will be unnerving. Or make a comment that you can’t believe he took Player X over Player Y. After 10 rounds of that, he’ll be so frazzled that he’ll start second-guess himself and lose all of the gusto he came in with. Advantage: you.
Make every selection an event
Making your selection can be the best way to psych out your opponents. They need to feel like every single pick you make is leading you one step closer to the championship. After the person before you picks, jump up and go: “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe you didn’t pick Player X! Wow! I thought there was no way you would pass him up!” and then pick that player, continuing to express your amazement that he’s now on your team.
Another way is to carefully scan the available players left, use almost all of your allotted time, then go: “Wait a minute, is Player Y left? Are you kidding me? How in the world did you all miss him?” Then pick that player. Basically, every pick of yours will be the best move you could possibly make. There’s no “I guess I’ll take this guy,” or “I’ll take him, but I’m not happy about it.” It’s all good news, all the time.
Pick on the weak
You know the guy in your draft who's just there for fun and doesn’t really know what he’s doing? Ride him mercilessly. When he takes a kicker five rounds too early, let him know about it for the rest of the time. Have a friend call you, pick up, engage in some friendly conversation, then hang up and go: “Hey Tony, your husband wants to know when you’ll have dinner ready tonight.”
Follow through
The draft doesn’t end on the last pick. Remember to send taunting e-mails on a regular basis. Offer up absurd trades that highlight the weaknesses in someone else’s roster. Remember, you could get obliterated on week one, so you want to assert as much dominance as you can before anything that matters actually happens.
a-hole football etiquette 101
So, there you have it. Just follow these simple rules and you will easily be the biggest badass in your draft. You may not have any friends after it, but what you will have is an inflated sense of self-worth and a fantasy team that may or may not be any good. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
Alright, I may have oversold that just a smidge. Obviously, fantasy football doesn’t go back to the beginning of our existence, but the essence of it does: competition. You can give whatever reason you want -- it makes the games more interesting, it’s a way to keep in touch with old friends, it helps give your life meaning -- but the real reason any of us play fantasy football is so we can crush other men in yet another form of competition.
When you figure that out, it casts a whole new light on your upcoming fantasy draft. There are countless articles out there about draft etiquette or the kind of people who show up to your draft. That’s nice and cute, but it doesn’t help you to win your draft. And unless you can spare hours on end researching Cleveland’s third-string running back who could have a breakout year if everyone in front of him gets hurt, you’ll be just as clueless as the next guy.
Disclaimer: I can’t help you to win your league. Nothing you read can. Unless you can see into the future, you can’t know today who will score three touchdowns on the last game of the season, when all of the good teams are resting their starters anyway. That’s bullsh*t. Plus, half the people in your league will stop caring halfway into the season. What really matters is winning the draft. You want to come away with everyone else knowing for a fact that you owned that draft and everyone in it. Here are five ways to accomplish that.
Sarcasm is your friend
Anybody can say “LaDainian Tomlinson sucks!” But since that’s neither true, nor clever, it doesn’t make any impact. A well-placed comment can do wonders. “Hey, good for you. Even though all the evidence is there that he’s washed up and has nowhere to go but downhill, you still used your first pick on him. Way to be your own man." Feel that burn?
Pick on the strong
Every year there’s always one guy who shows up to your draft with seven different fantasy magazines, a notebook full of furiously scribbled notes and a foolproof game plan. To the uninformed masses, he will seem like the clear favorite. That’s why you need to take him down.
After every pick of his, chuckle quietly. Since he will no doubt be expecting unanimous praise for his selection, your chuckle will be unnerving. Or make a comment that you can’t believe he took Player X over Player Y. After 10 rounds of that, he’ll be so frazzled that he’ll start second-guess himself and lose all of the gusto he came in with. Advantage: you.
Make every selection an event
Making your selection can be the best way to psych out your opponents. They need to feel like every single pick you make is leading you one step closer to the championship. After the person before you picks, jump up and go: “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe you didn’t pick Player X! Wow! I thought there was no way you would pass him up!” and then pick that player, continuing to express your amazement that he’s now on your team.
Another way is to carefully scan the available players left, use almost all of your allotted time, then go: “Wait a minute, is Player Y left? Are you kidding me? How in the world did you all miss him?” Then pick that player. Basically, every pick of yours will be the best move you could possibly make. There’s no “I guess I’ll take this guy,” or “I’ll take him, but I’m not happy about it.” It’s all good news, all the time.
Pick on the weak
You know the guy in your draft who's just there for fun and doesn’t really know what he’s doing? Ride him mercilessly. When he takes a kicker five rounds too early, let him know about it for the rest of the time. Have a friend call you, pick up, engage in some friendly conversation, then hang up and go: “Hey Tony, your husband wants to know when you’ll have dinner ready tonight.”
Follow through
The draft doesn’t end on the last pick. Remember to send taunting e-mails on a regular basis. Offer up absurd trades that highlight the weaknesses in someone else’s roster. Remember, you could get obliterated on week one, so you want to assert as much dominance as you can before anything that matters actually happens.
a-hole football etiquette 101
So, there you have it. Just follow these simple rules and you will easily be the biggest badass in your draft. You may not have any friends after it, but what you will have is an inflated sense of self-worth and a fantasy team that may or may not be any good. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
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