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IPL'S JOKES FOR THE DAY~
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
-----------------------------
THE FIRST TIME~
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.
I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.--------------------------
1970 VS THE YEAR 2000
Isn't this the truth!...
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends
--------------------------------------
THINGS AT THANKSGIVING THAT SOUND DIRTY~
10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
9. Whew.....that's one terrific spread!
8. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
6. Talk about a huge breast!
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone"
4. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
3. It's cool whip time!!
2. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
1. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.
----------------------------------
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
--------------------------------------------
LIFE'S ACHIEVEMNENTS~
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is "gettin' a little" At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is "gettin' a little" At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!
STAY STRONG~~!!!
IPL
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
-----------------------------
THE FIRST TIME~
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.
I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.--------------------------
1970 VS THE YEAR 2000
Isn't this the truth!...
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends
--------------------------------------
THINGS AT THANKSGIVING THAT SOUND DIRTY~
10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
9. Whew.....that's one terrific spread!
8. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
6. Talk about a huge breast!
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone"
4. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
3. It's cool whip time!!
2. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
1. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.
----------------------------------
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
--------------------------------------------
LIFE'S ACHIEVEMNENTS~
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is "gettin' a little" At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is "gettin' a little" At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!
STAY STRONG~~!!!
IPL