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IPL'S JOKES FOR THE DAY~
BIG BREATHS~
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
_________________________________________
ABSTINENCE~
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man.
''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''
________________________________
BRA SIZES
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
__________________________
WARM AND MOIST~
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy this.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I
can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
___________________________
HIDING IN THE CLOSET?!~
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
STAY STRONG~~!!!
IPL
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
_________________________________________
ABSTINENCE~
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man.
''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''
________________________________
BRA SIZES
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
__________________________
WARM AND MOIST~
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy this.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I
can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
___________________________
HIDING IN THE CLOSET?!~
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
STAY STRONG~~!!!
IPL