need your advice & help ?

[diggi]

Yes, it is about a girl again.. gettin' kinda sick n tired posting questions about my love life but anyways..

I've been seeing this girl for 4 months...somewhat a serious relationship.. she is a very nice girl tho..pretty, smart and has a good heart, nice family too.

about her past relationship: she was with this guy aka.. junkie for what 2 years..and I guess they officialy split up 8 to 1 year ago I'm really not sure. They had alot of history, did ALOT of stuff together almost like a married couple. Anyways to make this story short, he cheated on her and she caught him and I guess thats how they broke up. He also, is a heavy cocaine user, possibly other drugs too (heroin now, but I'm not 100% sure.. its just people talk)... he's the type of guy who has nothing goin on for himself..no future..no life.. and all.. but even tho he didn't have nothing she still loved him very much so I guess the main reason they broke up was because he cheated on her. He was her first love, first sexual partner also.

She has been pretty honest with me so far how she has NOTHIG for him anymore..doesn't love him...doesn't like him or any feelings for him whatsoever.. but I'm starting to question that. Before I used to ask her questions regarding him.. and whenever I did.. we would get in argument so I decided to ignore the situation ..not even talk or mention him..

Now, when they broke up he used to still e-mail her every day or W/E. Everytime he e-mailed her the shit was about how he wants her back and all this this was while we started officialy dating..so she has been pretty honest with me.. She told him once to stop e-mailing her.. and I saw that for myself.. since then I have never ever..heard anything if he is still indeed e-mailing her.. or w/e. I dont wanna ask her any questions regarding this e-mail situation anymore.

And now I think he has stopped e-mailing her ..or trying anything to get her back and what I think is she is now wondering why did he stop..its almost like she still wants attention from him or whatever.

Now, she has that myspace thing and so does he. I don't know who requested who but they are eachother friends, fine ..no biggie..

Now, my question here is.. is it really possible that this guy can be a threat to me and this relationship. To be really honest, I don't know if she COMPLETELY lost all feelings for him and stuff.. many times when she gets mad she tells me "Ill never have what I had with him" like WTF ?

I don't wanna ask her questions about this I did before.. and obviously I don't wanna accuse her of anything yet.

I don't know if they talk via e-mails or myspace..so far no public comments have been made on myspace.. and she goes on his page and visits him 4 what ??

What is the best way I should handle this situation.. ? I know 4 months can't compare with 2 years but I have this gut feeling that something "might" be going on that I don't know yet..I have NO PROOF, NOTHING that I can accuse her.. its just some things that are going on are bothering me.. she always used to talk so much shit about him..and now its like she's defending him.. or just doesn't say anything about him..


Is this girl falling in love me... in 4 months... does she love me ? she told me she does.. but her ex.. seems just like he won't go away... from his side or her head..

I have a feeling almost every time we get in any small argument or any disagreement in her head she imediately thinks of him..

sex thing..yes we did.. after a month..she didn't wanna do it sooner i guess .. but I believe if she still had something big for this guy..she wouldnt go down for that..

share your thoughts please.

[O2BESOHUGE]

Re: need your advice & help ?

I THINK, IF YOU ARE HAPPY TOGETHER - DO THINGS TOGETHER. THE MORE FUN YOU HAVE TOGETHER, THE MORE SHE WILL WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND THE LESS SHE WILL THINK ABOU THAT OTHER CLOWN

IF THAT DOESNT WORK, CLUB HER IN THE HEAD AND DRAG HER BACK TO YOUR CAVE.

[angryoldman]

Re: need your advice & help ?

Tough spot there pally. Seriously. I do a lot of Charity work and volunteer work with battered women. And the one thing with battered woman, or women in bad relationships is, they always think the person will change. In this case, the feelings may still be there, and deep down inside she may think he will change. Reality is, they still talk, which means she still has feelings or cares about this person. Even though in your mind, he's a douche bag drug addict. In her mind, he's still the first guy she had sex with, did a lot of things with, etc.... I would recommend NOT talking bad about this guy to her. That will totally turn her off to you if you do that. No one wants to hear that they dated a "loser" or a "Druggie", etc.... So you have to play it cool with her and not try to make her realize that she's better off without him and shit. It's a tough spot because you can't make her realize he's no good. She has to realize that on her own. The only thing you can do is be a friend and be there for her. The day that she finally realizes he's a no good piece of shit, you'll be there waiting. But the worse thing you can do is try to force a relationship with her if she's not over him. because YES, she will more than likely cheat on you with him. Or worse, leave you for him to get back together. Capice?

[diggi]

Re: need your advice & help ?

Tough spot there pally. Seriously. I do a lot of Charity work and volunteer work with battered women. And the one thing with battered woman, or women in bad relationships is, they always think the person will change. In this case, the feelings may still be there, and deep down inside she may think he will change. Reality is, they still talk, which means she still has feelings or cares about this person. Even though in your mind, he's a douche bag drug addict. In her mind, he's still the first guy she had sex with, did a lot of things with, etc.... I would recommend NOT talking bad about this guy to her. That will totally turn her off to you if you do that. No one wants to hear that they dated a "loser" or a "Druggie", etc.... So you have to play it cool with her and not try to make her realize that she's better off without him and shit. It's a tough spot because you can't make her realize he's no good. She has to realize that on her own. The only thing you can do is be a friend and be there for her. The day that she finally realizes he's a no good piece of shit, you'll be there waiting. But the worse thing you can do is try to force a relationship with her if she's not over him. because YES, she will more than likely cheat on you with him. Or worse, leave you for him to get back together. Capice?

true... very true..

[Lily]

Re: need your advice & help ?

Good advice AOM!!

[angryoldman]

Re: need your advice & help ?

Good advice AOM!!

Hey, I do have a sensitive bone in my body here and there. I have one bone that's REALLY sensitive!

[kite]

Re: need your advice & help ?

good post AOM

[T-Man007]

Re: need your advice & help ?

That's a tough one bro! If she's not being honest thenyouhave the right to confront her, but if she is and you 'accuse' her then that's bad. IMO, the best thing you can do is not be jealous of the boyfriend. I lost one that I really loved deeply because of her ex. He was smart, he eventually started telling her things like 'if you're happy, that's all that matters' and crap like that. Then he quit contacting her and she started to wonder too. I made it worse by telling her she had no business being friends with him yet because they just broke up. You don't start dating someone and then spend time with your ex, that's just not right. She would tell me that there would always be a place in her heart for him and I would get pissed about the idea of that. Then, to make things worse, there were a couple of guys I knew that worked at a radio station in ATL and it turns out there were phuking friends with her ex. They told me that she had been hanging out with him and that he was playing the supportive role to get me jealous. Then, these jackasses, told him that he was in deep trouble because they've seen me pull ass like crazy and he had no chance. Basically, they were playing both of us against each other. Well, my jealousy blew the deal. I later came to find out they she was considereing her ex as just a friend, that's it. But, my jealously and accusations made me look weak and his supportive role made him look strong and she went back to him. But, she didn't come out and tell me, one of her girlfriends told me. As a matter of fact, a few of her girlfriends dumper her when she went back to him because he was a total looser, but he made her happy for some reason.

Morale of the story, don't accuse and don't be jealous, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. All you can do is be you and trust her and let things happen as they may.

[diggi]

Re: need your advice & help ?

That's a tough one bro! If she's not being honest thenyouhave the right to confront her, but if she is and you 'accuse' her then that's bad. IMO, the best thing you can do is not be jealous of the boyfriend. I lost one that I really loved deeply because of her ex. He was smart, he eventually started telling her things like 'if you're happy, that's all that matters' and crap like that. Then he quit contacting her and she started to wonder too. I made it worse by telling her she had no business being friends with him yet because they just broke up. You don't start dating someone and then spend time with your ex, that's just not right. She would tell me that there would always be a place in her heart for him and I would get pissed about the idea of that. Then, to make things worse, there were a couple of guys I knew that worked at a radio station in ATL and it turns out there were phuking friends with her ex. They told me that she had been hanging out with him and that he was playing the supportive role to get me jealous. Then, these jackasses, told him that he was in deep trouble because they've seen me pull ass like crazy and he had no chance. Basically, they were playing both of us against each other. Well, my jealousy blew the deal. I later came to find out they she was considereing her ex as just a friend, that's it. But, my jealously and accusations made me look weak and his supportive role made him look strong and she went back to him. But, she didn't come out and tell me, one of her girlfriends told me. As a matter of fact, a few of her girlfriends dumper her when she went back to him because he was a total looser, but he made her happy for some reason.

Morale of the story, don't accuse and don't be jealous, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. All you can do is be you and trust her and let things happen as they may.

Oh man, your ex is very similar to mine. But one thing that bothers me is when they tell the ex to stop contacting them.. no phone..no email no nothing.. I mean this dude really abused my ex in every way..stalked her after they broke..up ..called her at work.. at home she couldn't do anything go out without calling him and lettin him know n shit.. so.. but what im trying to say is.. they want them to stop calling and when they finally give up calling then they start to wonder whyy this and whyy that... something called attention craving..

this happens mostly if you and your gf are in a fight.. then the ex kicks in..

[mick-G]

Re: need your advice & help ?

Diggi, isn't this the same girl you were talking about b4?? It is the same situation. In my past experience, a gut feeling is usually right. You should quit getting yourself into these situations. If i found out my girl were going and talking to some ex on the internet and he was into all that, and I confronted her and all she could do is argue with me about it and not discontinue it, she would be gone, plain and simple. Its either me or the highway. If she really loved you and respected you she would have stopped long ago. You shouldn't be afraid to confront her, and if she argues with you and wants to continue, you have to question why she is getting all defensive. I hate it when i seen young men worry about how to ask or what to say with their women. You are the man, take charge!!, and if she doesn't like it then she can take a hike and there are soo many women out there. Find one without any issues.

[mtnmedic]

Re: need your advice & help ?

WTF!? this isn't a tough one people !! this chick has too much bullshit going on with skeletons in the closet ! Digi,..listen my friend...she's NOT going to forget about this guy !! EVER ! what,..this guys gonna give her a f**king disease to give to you ? or get her tossed in jail cause he dosent give a shit about himself ? she's bullshitin' ya bra !! your just a "nice guy" thing to pass the time while "homeboy" gets his chance (thats been given to him by her) to maby get his shit together. then you'll be standing there with your dick in your hand like a chump...and back on here telling us about it. You're gonna get stabbed in the back and kicked in the balls by this chick bra... DONT EVER LET ANYBODY DO THIS TO YOU Digi !!

[T-Man007]

Re: need your advice & help ?

Oh man, your ex is very similar to mine. But one thing that bothers me is when they tell the ex to stop contacting them.. no phone..no email no nothing.. I mean this dude really abused my ex in every way..stalked her after they broke..up ..called her at work.. at home she couldn't do anything go out without calling him and lettin him know n shit.. so.. but what im trying to say is.. they want them to stop calling and when they finally give up calling then they start to wonder whyy this and whyy that... something called attention craving..

this happens mostly if you and your gf are in a fight.. then the ex kicks in..

It's just women, they are emotional thinkers, not logical (no offense gals, but it's true). I'll give an example, husband is the primary source of income and gets laid off. In most relationships, the woman will react emotionally about things and the guy will go out and get another job. It's just the way we are wired.

With that said, women just do that. If you are dating a girl and she says she wants space and you give it to her without a fight, she will wonder why and then want you back, more times than not. The reason they usually don't come back is because the guy will step out of his role and become emotional and women will want more space. The logical thing to do is give her what whe wants. If she want's space, you give her space. Soon, she will see that you aren't there and want you there. But, if in any way you get all emotional about it, the chance of her missing you is much less. I've seen it a hundred times, I've done it dozens of times. The one time I actually did it right, I ended up married to her.

I've also been on the opposite side of it and told a girl I wanted space and when she gave it to me I was like 'damn, now I want her back'. Then, I went after her and she had the upper hand. Dumb move on my part because I let my emotions get the best of me. The smart thing would have been to stick to what I said and when I seen her, slowly let her know that I miss her, but not a full all out chase. You give chase, they run, you bait, they come.

Sorry gals, I'm not trying to be a jerk or egotistical, I'm just basing things on what I have seen in my experiences, that's all.

[Gearo]

Re: need your advice & help ?

T-man you got it 100% right ! IMHO, don't care about this other guy, the more you'll feel and give the impression that you're confident , the more she'll care about you and want you. Girls don't like desperate guys who show it to them, their instincts tell them they need a "reliable", strong and confident guy ! That's why most of the time, they prefer "jerks" to nice guys. What they like about them, it's not them being "jerks" but the self-confidence they're showing !

[mick-G]

Re: need your advice & help ?

The only prob with this is that if you give her the space and the reason she wants the space is because of some other guy then you are phucked reguardless. This isn't a "space" issue, its her talking to an ex behind his back, which imo shows very little reguard for him.

[DJDIGGLER]

Re: need your advice & help ?

1. It's BS that she has him as a friend on her myspace account if he was trying to get her back while you were together in the beginning. That's disrespectful. I for one have one rule with my wife.....She can be friends with any ex's or guys so long as they don't hit on her. As soon as they hit on her their out the door. Simple as that.

2. She should never bring him up in a fight. If she does then she is dwelling on the past and needs to let it go. Honestly if she says it again to you, make a big deal about it. Don't just settle for someone because you THINK she's nice. You don't want someone with ex baggage! Next time she says "we'll never have what I had with him" or anything like that, I would break up with her and tell her she can go have him then. You need to make her realize what she is going to lose. The old saying says "You don't know what you got, till it's gone" and when she realizes how much more of a catch you are, than her ex was she'll drop him and all feelings for him like a bad habit. Or she could go back to him, in which case you did yourself a favor by not wasting anymore of your time on someone that doesn't feel the same about you. Better to find out now than ten years down the road when your married and have kids!

3. Have more self respect for yourself. It's one thing to be trusting of someone. It's another to let them walk all over you. She has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship or she wouldn't pull half the crap she does.