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Coach Fuzo, "Okay, listen you mugs! I was hired to get this team to a winning record. Last winning record you guys had was 3-13. If we're going to beat this Colts team we have to run the ball and eat up the clock. Where the hell is my Running Back?"
Thomas Jones, "Yo, Coach, over heres. Sup?"
Coach Fuzo, "You're my Running Back?
Jones, Yeah, we's down.
Coach Fuzo, "I don't think so."
Jones, Sup wid dat?
Coach Fuzo, "Exactly. JOHNSON! Where's that white kid Johnson?
Johnson, Here I am coach. I'm a Full Back, and I'm hurt.
Coach Fuzo, "Okay, everyone listen up. Everyone on this teams plays hurt. Death is the only excuse I'll accept. And those face masks. Take them damn things off your helmets. I want a football team with broken noses and missing teeth. And Johnson, today I want you to....what the hell is that I smell on your breath?
Johnson, "Wintergreen"
Coach Fuzo, "There's no wintergreen in football! My Running Back needs to reek of cheap ass whiskey and pot! Is that clear?
Johnson, "Coach, I'm a recovering alcoholic."
Coach Fuzo, "You abstain from chronic alcoholism on your time, not mine. I got a contract with you and during the next three years I expect you to drink heavy, eat unhealthy food and womanize everything that moves all hours of the night. That is what football is all about. That is what wins championships.
Where's My Quarterback?"
Grossman, "Here I is coach."
Coach Fuzo, "You're a Quarterback? You look like you should be working at Chucky Cheese's. Are you serious?"
Grossman, "Yea Coach. I was The fourth QB overall chosen in the 2003 draft, led all rookie signal-callers last year with a .667 winning percentage and passer rating of 74.8 , I.........
Coach Fuzo, "Hey, zit face, zip it. This team hasn't had a great Quarterback since Jim McMahon, and I don't epect them to start now. Okay, now listen up. If we win the coin toss I want a 29 minute drive that results in a field goal. I'll let you call the
plays. You have a choice of the 32 dive and the 31 dive.
Grossman, "Coach, what about third and long?"
Coach Fuzo, "Run the ball. 31 or 32 dive. Control the clock. That's what wins championships.
David Terrell, "Coach, you're kidding right? We got to throw the ball sometimes."
Coach Fuzo, "Okay, Terrell you're out. We're going with only one receiver that we don't throw to. Where is that little midget reciever we have? What's his name, Wake? Wade? Bob Wade? Where the hell did that midget come from to get a name like?
Wade, "It's Bobby Wade."
Coach Fuzo, "Whatever. How tall are you son?
Wade, "5'10 coach."
Coach Fuzo, "Really? I didn't think they could stack shit that high." Where are your cigarettes?
Wade, "I don't smoke, Coach."
Coach Fuzo, "You do now. Someone run out and get this guy some Lucky Strikes. I want a wide reciever that chain smokes on the sidelines. Just like the great ones from the old days. Those guys won championships!
Wade, "Coach, I'm not going to smoke."
Coach Fuzo, "Okay, Terrell you're back in. Can you chain smoke?
Terrell, "I can chain smoke coach"
Coach Fuzo, "Great! Terrell is the wide reciever. Hell, it don't matter we're running the ball every play anyway. Where is my defense?
Defense, "Yo, coach, sup?"
Coach Fuzo, "You guys are the defense? Where is my 50 year old looking linebacker with a nose that's been busted in four places, long scar going down his cheek and no front teeth? Where are my 5'8" defensive linemen with beer guts that hang over their belts?"
Defense, There ain't no one here like dat.
Coach Fuzo, "How the hell am I supposed to win championships? Can someone please answer that question? I quit!"
Thomas Jones, "Yo, Coach, over heres. Sup?"
Coach Fuzo, "You're my Running Back?
Jones, Yeah, we's down.
Coach Fuzo, "I don't think so."
Jones, Sup wid dat?
Coach Fuzo, "Exactly. JOHNSON! Where's that white kid Johnson?
Johnson, Here I am coach. I'm a Full Back, and I'm hurt.
Coach Fuzo, "Okay, everyone listen up. Everyone on this teams plays hurt. Death is the only excuse I'll accept. And those face masks. Take them damn things off your helmets. I want a football team with broken noses and missing teeth. And Johnson, today I want you to....what the hell is that I smell on your breath?
Johnson, "Wintergreen"
Coach Fuzo, "There's no wintergreen in football! My Running Back needs to reek of cheap ass whiskey and pot! Is that clear?
Johnson, "Coach, I'm a recovering alcoholic."
Coach Fuzo, "You abstain from chronic alcoholism on your time, not mine. I got a contract with you and during the next three years I expect you to drink heavy, eat unhealthy food and womanize everything that moves all hours of the night. That is what football is all about. That is what wins championships.
Where's My Quarterback?"
Grossman, "Here I is coach."
Coach Fuzo, "You're a Quarterback? You look like you should be working at Chucky Cheese's. Are you serious?"
Grossman, "Yea Coach. I was The fourth QB overall chosen in the 2003 draft, led all rookie signal-callers last year with a .667 winning percentage and passer rating of 74.8 , I.........
Coach Fuzo, "Hey, zit face, zip it. This team hasn't had a great Quarterback since Jim McMahon, and I don't epect them to start now. Okay, now listen up. If we win the coin toss I want a 29 minute drive that results in a field goal. I'll let you call the
plays. You have a choice of the 32 dive and the 31 dive.
Grossman, "Coach, what about third and long?"
Coach Fuzo, "Run the ball. 31 or 32 dive. Control the clock. That's what wins championships.
David Terrell, "Coach, you're kidding right? We got to throw the ball sometimes."
Coach Fuzo, "Okay, Terrell you're out. We're going with only one receiver that we don't throw to. Where is that little midget reciever we have? What's his name, Wake? Wade? Bob Wade? Where the hell did that midget come from to get a name like?
Wade, "It's Bobby Wade."
Coach Fuzo, "Whatever. How tall are you son?
Wade, "5'10 coach."
Coach Fuzo, "Really? I didn't think they could stack shit that high." Where are your cigarettes?
Wade, "I don't smoke, Coach."
Coach Fuzo, "You do now. Someone run out and get this guy some Lucky Strikes. I want a wide reciever that chain smokes on the sidelines. Just like the great ones from the old days. Those guys won championships!
Wade, "Coach, I'm not going to smoke."
Coach Fuzo, "Okay, Terrell you're back in. Can you chain smoke?
Terrell, "I can chain smoke coach"
Coach Fuzo, "Great! Terrell is the wide reciever. Hell, it don't matter we're running the ball every play anyway. Where is my defense?
Defense, "Yo, coach, sup?"
Coach Fuzo, "You guys are the defense? Where is my 50 year old looking linebacker with a nose that's been busted in four places, long scar going down his cheek and no front teeth? Where are my 5'8" defensive linemen with beer guts that hang over their belts?"
Defense, There ain't no one here like dat.
Coach Fuzo, "How the hell am I supposed to win championships? Can someone please answer that question? I quit!"
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