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Employee Rules
>
>UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
>
>DRESS CODE
>
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
>see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
>you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
>dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
>not need a raise.
>
>SICK DAYS
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
>are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS
>
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
>
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>RESTROOM USE
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict
>3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
>will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
>a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
>posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK
>
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
>lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
>directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week!
>
>THE MANAGEMENT
>
>UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
>
>DRESS CODE
>
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
>see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
>you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
>dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
>not need a raise.
>
>SICK DAYS
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
>are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS
>
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
>
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>RESTROOM USE
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict
>3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
>will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
>a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
>posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK
>
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
>lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
>directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week!
>
>THE MANAGEMENT
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