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The Rose
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob.
One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She doesn't know it, but in fifty years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
GOOD QUOTES
I ONCE HAD A ROSE NAMED AFTER ME AND I WAS VERY FLATTERED. BUT I WAS NOT PLEASED TO READ THE DESCRIPTION IN THE CATALOGUE:
"NO GOOD IN A BED, BUT FINE UP AGAINST A WALL".
~ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
LAST WEEK I STATED THIS WOMAN WAS THE UGLIEST WOMAN I HAD EVER SEEN. I HAVE SINCE BEEN VISITED BY HER SISTER ... AND NOW WISH TO WITHDRAW THAT STATEMENT.
~MARK TWAIN
THE SECRET OF A GOOD SERMON IS TO HAVE A GOOD BEGINNING AND A GOOD ENDING; AND HAVE THE TWO AS CLOSE TOGETHER AS POSSIBLE.
~GEORGE BURNS
SANTA CLAUS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA .. VISIT PEOPLE ONLY ONCE A YEAR.
~VICTOR BORGE
BE CAREFUL ABOUT READING HEALTH BOOKS. YOU MAY DIE OF A MISPRINT.
~MARK TWAIN
WHAT WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN? SCARCE, SIR ... MIGHTY SCARCE.
~MARK TWAIN
MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT. EVERY TIME I ASK FOR SEX, SHE OBJECTS.
~LES DAWSON
BY ALL MEANS MARRY. IF YOU GET A GOOD WIFE, YOU'LL BECOME HAPPY; IF YOU GET A BAD ONE, YOU'LL BECOME A PHILOSOPHER.
~SOCRATES
I WAS MARRIED BY A JUDGE. I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR A JURY.
~GROUCHO MARX
MY WIFE HAS A SLIGHT IMPEDIMENT IN HER SPEECH. EVERY NOW AND THEN SHE STOPS TO BREATHE.
~JIMMY DURANTE
THE MALE IS A DOMESTIC ANIMAL WHICH, IF TREATED WITH FIRMNESS AND KINDNESS, CAN BE TRAINED TO DO MOST THINGS.
~JILLY COOPER
I NEVER HATED A MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE HIS DIAMONDS BACK.
~ZSA ZSA GABOR
(Waaaaaaaaaaaaa .... you have to FIND them first! MM)
ONLY IRISH COFFEE PROVIDES IN A SINGLE GLASS ALL FOUR ESSENTIAL FOOD GROUPS: ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, SUGAR AND FAT.
~ALEX LEVINE
DON'T GO AROUND SAYING THE WORLD OWES YOU A LIVING. THE WORLD OWES YOU NOTHING. IT WAS HERE FIRST.
~MARK TWAIN
MY LUCK IS SO BAD THAT IF I BOUGHT A CEMETERY, PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING.
~ED FURGOL
MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS, BUT IT DOES BRING YOU A MORE PLEASANT FORM OF MISERY.
~SPIKE MILLIGAN
WHAT'S THE USE OF HAPPINESS? IT CAN'T BUY YOU MONEY.
~HENNY YOUNGMAN
I AM OPPOSED TO MILLIONAIRES, BUT IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO OFFER ME THE POSITION.
~MARK TWAIN
UNTIL I WAS THIRTEEN, I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS 'SHUT UP'.
~JOE NAMATH
YOUTH WOULD BE AN IDEAL STATE IF IT CAME A LITTLE LATER IN LIFE.
~HERBERT HENRY ASQUITH
I DON'T FEEL OLD. I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING UNTIL NOON. THEN IT'S TIME FOR MY NAP.
~BOB HOPE
A WOMAN DROVE ME TO DRINK ... AND I HADN'T EVEN THE COURTESY TO THANK HER.
~W.C. FIELDS
I NEVER DRINK WATER BECAUSE OF THE DISGUSTING THINGS THAT FISH DO IN IT.
~W.C. FIELDS
IT TAKES ONLY ONE DRINK TO GET ME DRUNK. THE TROUBLE IS, I CAN'T REMEMBER IF IT'S THE THIRTEENTH OR THE FOURTEENTH.
~GEORGE BURNS
WE COULD CERTAINLY SLOW AGING PROCESS DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH CONGRESS.
~UNKNOWN
DON'T WORRY ABOUT AVOIDING TEMPTATION... AS YOU GROW OLDER, IT WILL AVOID YOU.
~UNKNOWN
MAYBE IT'S TRUE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT FIFTY. BUT .. EVERYTHING ELSE STARTS TO WEAR OUT, FALL OUT, OR SPREAD OUT.
~UNKNOWN
DOCTOR TO PATIENT: I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
~UNKNOWN
THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET: IF IT TASTES GOOD ... SPIT IT OUT.
~UNKNOWN
BY THE TIME A MAN IS WISE ENOUGH TO WATCH HIS STEP, HE'S TOO OLD TO GO ANYWHERE.
~UNKNOWN
IT'S HARD TO BE NOSTALGIC WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
~UNKNOWN
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob.
One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She doesn't know it, but in fifty years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
GOOD QUOTES
I ONCE HAD A ROSE NAMED AFTER ME AND I WAS VERY FLATTERED. BUT I WAS NOT PLEASED TO READ THE DESCRIPTION IN THE CATALOGUE:
"NO GOOD IN A BED, BUT FINE UP AGAINST A WALL".
~ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
LAST WEEK I STATED THIS WOMAN WAS THE UGLIEST WOMAN I HAD EVER SEEN. I HAVE SINCE BEEN VISITED BY HER SISTER ... AND NOW WISH TO WITHDRAW THAT STATEMENT.
~MARK TWAIN
THE SECRET OF A GOOD SERMON IS TO HAVE A GOOD BEGINNING AND A GOOD ENDING; AND HAVE THE TWO AS CLOSE TOGETHER AS POSSIBLE.
~GEORGE BURNS
SANTA CLAUS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA .. VISIT PEOPLE ONLY ONCE A YEAR.
~VICTOR BORGE
BE CAREFUL ABOUT READING HEALTH BOOKS. YOU MAY DIE OF A MISPRINT.
~MARK TWAIN
WHAT WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN? SCARCE, SIR ... MIGHTY SCARCE.
~MARK TWAIN
MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT. EVERY TIME I ASK FOR SEX, SHE OBJECTS.
~LES DAWSON
BY ALL MEANS MARRY. IF YOU GET A GOOD WIFE, YOU'LL BECOME HAPPY; IF YOU GET A BAD ONE, YOU'LL BECOME A PHILOSOPHER.
~SOCRATES
I WAS MARRIED BY A JUDGE. I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR A JURY.
~GROUCHO MARX
MY WIFE HAS A SLIGHT IMPEDIMENT IN HER SPEECH. EVERY NOW AND THEN SHE STOPS TO BREATHE.
~JIMMY DURANTE
THE MALE IS A DOMESTIC ANIMAL WHICH, IF TREATED WITH FIRMNESS AND KINDNESS, CAN BE TRAINED TO DO MOST THINGS.
~JILLY COOPER
I NEVER HATED A MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE HIS DIAMONDS BACK.
~ZSA ZSA GABOR
(Waaaaaaaaaaaaa .... you have to FIND them first! MM)
ONLY IRISH COFFEE PROVIDES IN A SINGLE GLASS ALL FOUR ESSENTIAL FOOD GROUPS: ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, SUGAR AND FAT.
~ALEX LEVINE
DON'T GO AROUND SAYING THE WORLD OWES YOU A LIVING. THE WORLD OWES YOU NOTHING. IT WAS HERE FIRST.
~MARK TWAIN
MY LUCK IS SO BAD THAT IF I BOUGHT A CEMETERY, PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING.
~ED FURGOL
MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS, BUT IT DOES BRING YOU A MORE PLEASANT FORM OF MISERY.
~SPIKE MILLIGAN
WHAT'S THE USE OF HAPPINESS? IT CAN'T BUY YOU MONEY.
~HENNY YOUNGMAN
I AM OPPOSED TO MILLIONAIRES, BUT IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO OFFER ME THE POSITION.
~MARK TWAIN
UNTIL I WAS THIRTEEN, I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS 'SHUT UP'.
~JOE NAMATH
YOUTH WOULD BE AN IDEAL STATE IF IT CAME A LITTLE LATER IN LIFE.
~HERBERT HENRY ASQUITH
I DON'T FEEL OLD. I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING UNTIL NOON. THEN IT'S TIME FOR MY NAP.
~BOB HOPE
A WOMAN DROVE ME TO DRINK ... AND I HADN'T EVEN THE COURTESY TO THANK HER.
~W.C. FIELDS
I NEVER DRINK WATER BECAUSE OF THE DISGUSTING THINGS THAT FISH DO IN IT.
~W.C. FIELDS
IT TAKES ONLY ONE DRINK TO GET ME DRUNK. THE TROUBLE IS, I CAN'T REMEMBER IF IT'S THE THIRTEENTH OR THE FOURTEENTH.
~GEORGE BURNS
WE COULD CERTAINLY SLOW AGING PROCESS DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH CONGRESS.
~UNKNOWN
DON'T WORRY ABOUT AVOIDING TEMPTATION... AS YOU GROW OLDER, IT WILL AVOID YOU.
~UNKNOWN
MAYBE IT'S TRUE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT FIFTY. BUT .. EVERYTHING ELSE STARTS TO WEAR OUT, FALL OUT, OR SPREAD OUT.
~UNKNOWN
DOCTOR TO PATIENT: I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
~UNKNOWN
THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET: IF IT TASTES GOOD ... SPIT IT OUT.
~UNKNOWN
BY THE TIME A MAN IS WISE ENOUGH TO WATCH HIS STEP, HE'S TOO OLD TO GO ANYWHERE.
~UNKNOWN
IT'S HARD TO BE NOSTALGIC WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
~UNKNOWN
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