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Monkeys
Dead Monkeys
I like Monkeys The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look
a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in
the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt
very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off
the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all
died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile,
that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee
but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I
was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't
go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead wet monkey in my toilet, two
dead frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead
charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really
had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I
felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was
not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally
arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite
know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
I like Monkeys The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look
a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in
the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt
very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off
the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all
died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile,
that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee
but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I
was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't
go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead wet monkey in my toilet, two
dead frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead
charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really
had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I
felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was
not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally
arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite
know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
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