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Hilarious Airline Crew Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as HELL everything has shifted."
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From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
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"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United."He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had got off, except for an old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
shot down?"
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A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax--S%%%! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
--------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
--------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
--------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as HELL everything has shifted."
--------------
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
--------------
"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
--------------
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
--------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
--------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United."He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had got off, except for an old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
shot down?"
--------------
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax--S%%%! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
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