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One area of parenting that is highly challenging is knowing how to set an example. Many fathers find setting a good example requires a bit of extra work on their end.
Kids don’t miss a thing. As a consequence, a father is like a walking “how-to article” written for his children to follow (this is especially true if he has a son or sons). They watch you and they mimic your behavior, so being a father who sets a good example may, depending on the many habits you’ve developed over the years, require you to change the manner in which you do and say many things.
The following presents some tips on how to set an example for your child. While much of this piece pertains to young children under the age of 8 or so, the issue itself is germane to kids of all ages.
Watch your actions
Like every other aspect of parenting, knowing how to set an example does not allow for any inconsistency. The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” has always been a fraud: It will be very difficult to convince your child to get annual physicals, eat well, exercise, and listen to and respect his mother and other adults when these are things you openly do not do yourself.
Of course, this doesn’t apply to some issues, such as bedtime and other specifically “adult” things. To get an idea of what kind of an example you’re setting, examine specific aspects of your own lifestyle and behavior, such as:
Don’t feel like a hypocrite
Being a father is not about atoning for all the things you’ve done wrong, it is about teaching your child the difference between right and wrong -- a difference that, by way of experience, you understand and are qualified to impart to your child. Your past doesn’t restrict you as a father, it informs you.
If you partied a bit back in the day, but never had any bad experiences with alcohol or marijuana, this certainly doesn’t mean you can’t, in good conscience, advise your child against drug use and dole out the discipline accordingly. There is nothing hypocritical about it; you are guiding your child through these formative years so that they will develop into happy, well-adjusted adults. In the effort to set a good example for your child you may find yourself doing or saying things you would not normally do or say, but this is OK. After all, your child’s future is at stake.
Don't draw attention to your mistakes
There will be far too many occasions when your child is witness to you setting a bad example. Maybe, after a long day, you lost your temper -- at the grocery store, in the shopping mall parking lot, on the sidelines at your child’s weekly soccer game -- and began shouting obscenities and acting unreasonable, and maybe (at the extreme end) you even exchanged a few punches with somebody.
Should you admit to your child that you set a bad example and that your behavior was wrong and should not be encouraged? We don’t think so. Rather, if your child brings it up, yes, you should definitely address it. If your child does not bring it up, however, it might be best if you said nothing and used the experience as an opportunity to reflect on yourself, and on what steps you’re going to take to see that it does not happen again.
And something like it will probably happen again. No father is perfect, but he should strive to be as perfect a role model as he can be for his child.
the golden rule
When in doubt, remember: Whether you mean to or not, you're always setting an example.
Kids don’t miss a thing. As a consequence, a father is like a walking “how-to article” written for his children to follow (this is especially true if he has a son or sons). They watch you and they mimic your behavior, so being a father who sets a good example may, depending on the many habits you’ve developed over the years, require you to change the manner in which you do and say many things.
The following presents some tips on how to set an example for your child. While much of this piece pertains to young children under the age of 8 or so, the issue itself is germane to kids of all ages.
Watch your actions
Like every other aspect of parenting, knowing how to set an example does not allow for any inconsistency. The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” has always been a fraud: It will be very difficult to convince your child to get annual physicals, eat well, exercise, and listen to and respect his mother and other adults when these are things you openly do not do yourself.
Of course, this doesn’t apply to some issues, such as bedtime and other specifically “adult” things. To get an idea of what kind of an example you’re setting, examine specific aspects of your own lifestyle and behavior, such as:
- Your words: You and your spouse have a rapport and share a language your child may not understand, but this won’t prevent him from copying it. Maybe you’re extremely sarcastic with one another -- and that’s fine, but it might not be if your child develops that tone as well, since it could be disrespectful.
- Your actions: Your child is always watching you and is bound to mimic you in ways you could never imagine. This doesn’t mean that sleeping late on a Saturday to work off a hangover, or playing Wii Sports with the compulsion of a junkie will spur those precise responses, but they may encourage overindulgence and impulsive behavior.
- Your friends: The people you bring around the house offer your child other examples, and as the father it is your job to see that your friends reinforce the example you’re trying to set, and not diminish it with crude language or inappropriate remarks.
Don’t feel like a hypocrite
Being a father is not about atoning for all the things you’ve done wrong, it is about teaching your child the difference between right and wrong -- a difference that, by way of experience, you understand and are qualified to impart to your child. Your past doesn’t restrict you as a father, it informs you.
If you partied a bit back in the day, but never had any bad experiences with alcohol or marijuana, this certainly doesn’t mean you can’t, in good conscience, advise your child against drug use and dole out the discipline accordingly. There is nothing hypocritical about it; you are guiding your child through these formative years so that they will develop into happy, well-adjusted adults. In the effort to set a good example for your child you may find yourself doing or saying things you would not normally do or say, but this is OK. After all, your child’s future is at stake.
Don't draw attention to your mistakes
There will be far too many occasions when your child is witness to you setting a bad example. Maybe, after a long day, you lost your temper -- at the grocery store, in the shopping mall parking lot, on the sidelines at your child’s weekly soccer game -- and began shouting obscenities and acting unreasonable, and maybe (at the extreme end) you even exchanged a few punches with somebody.
Should you admit to your child that you set a bad example and that your behavior was wrong and should not be encouraged? We don’t think so. Rather, if your child brings it up, yes, you should definitely address it. If your child does not bring it up, however, it might be best if you said nothing and used the experience as an opportunity to reflect on yourself, and on what steps you’re going to take to see that it does not happen again.
And something like it will probably happen again. No father is perfect, but he should strive to be as perfect a role model as he can be for his child.
the golden rule
When in doubt, remember: Whether you mean to or not, you're always setting an example.