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IMPORTANT! This information is strictly intended to be humorous! Do not attempt these strategies unless you really, really feel like it.
As a personal trainer, I always like to see people put on as much weight as possible leading into New Years Resolution season. It gives me more to work with when they come to me to lose it.
If you find yourself dangerously underweight this holiday season, fear not--help is on the weigh!! These tips will help you to maximize your assets to the fullest extent possible in the limited time you have available.
1. Nap After Every Meal
This includes breakfast. This is a favorite trick of the Sumo wrestler. The idea is to eat as much as possible then go directly to sleep, a time when your body doesn't use much energy and has a greater tendency to store food as fat. Turkey and warm milk for dessert will help you accomplish this if you're not tired enough.
2. Follow Fatty Meals With a Sugary Dessert What's the best way to make sure that fatty food isn't wasted by burning it off? Eat 12 sugar cookies! The sugar will help raise your insulin levels, helping to push that fat directly into your fat cells where it'll be safe. \
3. Stay Away From Veggies
Vegetables have far too much fiber and will leave you feeling too full to eat enough afterwards. Even a good, rich dip won't be able to compensate enough for this problem. If you love the taste of dip, save it for the potato chips. Not only do chips have more calories, they are shaped more like scoops than vegetables and you'll be able to get more dip per chip.
4. Gravy is the Fifth Food Group
To really maximize your weight gain, your food pyramid should be floating in a lake of gravy. Gravy is loaded with life-giving energy in the form of fat and corn starch (a wonderful, high-glycemic sugar that will help ram that fat right onto your hips).
5. Reduce Your "Running Around Town" Levels
This is especially true when shopping for presents. You will burn off way too many calories trying to fight the crowds at the mall for you to effectively gain weight. Hire some neighborhood children to fetch things for you or rent a golf cart. If you must walk around when shopping, be sure to stop at the food court or pretzel stand every half-hour to refuel.
6. Drink Alcohol Late At Night
Only do this if you are of legal age, of course, and never drink and drive. Drinking is one of the best ways to increase your unlean body mass that there is. Each gram of alcohol contains 7 calories per gram instead of the wimpy 4 calories in a gram of regular carbohydrates. On top of that, alcohol has the added bonus of turning off your fat burning hormones. And all of this accomplished at night when your metabolism is at it's slowest...what could be better??!!
7. Skip Breakfast, Have a Light Lunch and Hog Out At Dinner
By skipping breakfast and depriving your body of fuel, you will help slow your metabolism early in the day when it normally would be at its fastest. This will help set up your expansion plans!
The light lunch should consist mainly of sugary foods to help skyrocket then plummet your blood sugar. This will help you to feel much hungrier when you sit down for the big feast of the day.
Dinner should consist of fatty meats, gravy, lots of butter, egg nog, cookies, and something fried. If you must have a salad, save it for last after you've finished up with your higher-calorie selections. And be sure to cover it with enough dressing so that you can't tell what color of food you're eating.
8. Save the Exercise For the New Year
Exercising will only burn off precious calories. It will also help build muscle mass, which is a definite no-no if you want to put on as much fat as possible. Muscle will burn up those valuable calories that you've worked so hard for all day long.
9. Don't Leave The Table
A great weight-gain strategy is to park yourself at the table all day long. Let someone else clean up the breakfast dishes, wait there for snacks to be served, start into lunch soon after that, lie back and have a snooze (provided you've planned ahead and pulled a recliner up to the table), then wake up in time for dinner. This will result in a favorable lethargy-to-gluttony ratio.
10. The Santa Claus Racket
Tell your children to leave milk and cookies for Santa. When they go to bed, drink the milk, eat the cookies and leave one present under the tree. Wake up your children and tell them that Santa only brought one present and that if they want another one, they need to leave more milk and cookies. Sent them to bed. Drink milk and eat cookies. Repeat.
The bonus part of this strategy is that your children may be so tired by the time you're done, they might let you sleep in a full fifteen minutes longer than they regularly would! Put all these weight gain strategies into effect and I guarantee there will be more of you to love come January 1st!
As a personal trainer, I always like to see people put on as much weight as possible leading into New Years Resolution season. It gives me more to work with when they come to me to lose it.
If you find yourself dangerously underweight this holiday season, fear not--help is on the weigh!! These tips will help you to maximize your assets to the fullest extent possible in the limited time you have available.
1. Nap After Every Meal
This includes breakfast. This is a favorite trick of the Sumo wrestler. The idea is to eat as much as possible then go directly to sleep, a time when your body doesn't use much energy and has a greater tendency to store food as fat. Turkey and warm milk for dessert will help you accomplish this if you're not tired enough.
2. Follow Fatty Meals With a Sugary Dessert What's the best way to make sure that fatty food isn't wasted by burning it off? Eat 12 sugar cookies! The sugar will help raise your insulin levels, helping to push that fat directly into your fat cells where it'll be safe. \
3. Stay Away From Veggies
Vegetables have far too much fiber and will leave you feeling too full to eat enough afterwards. Even a good, rich dip won't be able to compensate enough for this problem. If you love the taste of dip, save it for the potato chips. Not only do chips have more calories, they are shaped more like scoops than vegetables and you'll be able to get more dip per chip.
4. Gravy is the Fifth Food Group
To really maximize your weight gain, your food pyramid should be floating in a lake of gravy. Gravy is loaded with life-giving energy in the form of fat and corn starch (a wonderful, high-glycemic sugar that will help ram that fat right onto your hips).
5. Reduce Your "Running Around Town" Levels
This is especially true when shopping for presents. You will burn off way too many calories trying to fight the crowds at the mall for you to effectively gain weight. Hire some neighborhood children to fetch things for you or rent a golf cart. If you must walk around when shopping, be sure to stop at the food court or pretzel stand every half-hour to refuel.
6. Drink Alcohol Late At Night
Only do this if you are of legal age, of course, and never drink and drive. Drinking is one of the best ways to increase your unlean body mass that there is. Each gram of alcohol contains 7 calories per gram instead of the wimpy 4 calories in a gram of regular carbohydrates. On top of that, alcohol has the added bonus of turning off your fat burning hormones. And all of this accomplished at night when your metabolism is at it's slowest...what could be better??!!
7. Skip Breakfast, Have a Light Lunch and Hog Out At Dinner
By skipping breakfast and depriving your body of fuel, you will help slow your metabolism early in the day when it normally would be at its fastest. This will help set up your expansion plans!
The light lunch should consist mainly of sugary foods to help skyrocket then plummet your blood sugar. This will help you to feel much hungrier when you sit down for the big feast of the day.
Dinner should consist of fatty meats, gravy, lots of butter, egg nog, cookies, and something fried. If you must have a salad, save it for last after you've finished up with your higher-calorie selections. And be sure to cover it with enough dressing so that you can't tell what color of food you're eating.
8. Save the Exercise For the New Year
Exercising will only burn off precious calories. It will also help build muscle mass, which is a definite no-no if you want to put on as much fat as possible. Muscle will burn up those valuable calories that you've worked so hard for all day long.
9. Don't Leave The Table
A great weight-gain strategy is to park yourself at the table all day long. Let someone else clean up the breakfast dishes, wait there for snacks to be served, start into lunch soon after that, lie back and have a snooze (provided you've planned ahead and pulled a recliner up to the table), then wake up in time for dinner. This will result in a favorable lethargy-to-gluttony ratio.
10. The Santa Claus Racket
Tell your children to leave milk and cookies for Santa. When they go to bed, drink the milk, eat the cookies and leave one present under the tree. Wake up your children and tell them that Santa only brought one present and that if they want another one, they need to leave more milk and cookies. Sent them to bed. Drink milk and eat cookies. Repeat.
The bonus part of this strategy is that your children may be so tired by the time you're done, they might let you sleep in a full fifteen minutes longer than they regularly would! Put all these weight gain strategies into effect and I guarantee there will be more of you to love come January 1st!
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