25 bench pressing rules

[kite]

TweetThese are my 25 Rules of Bench Pressing.

And yes, they are all original....

1. Never ever tell someone how much you can bench even if it’s true.
2. Refer back to rule one; this rule is especially true in a case with women. Just so you know, they give a rat’s ass and if you insist on being a dick, make sure you are just in the processes of re-racking the weight. Otherwise, just shut the **** up and quit being a dick.
3. No conversation with another man in the gym should last longer than "need a spot?” So if you find yourself in this situation, your missing testicles can be found in the bottom drawer with all of the Richard Simmons films you watch at 11:36 P.M. every night޲
4. Knowing rule number one, you also need to remember that you may never EVER lie about how much you bench because people will know and will react with disbelief. They will catch you grunt that 95 pounds back up on the first set and rep and then they will start whispering and pointing. If they are in the gym with you, chances are, they’ll be the ones to pull that 350 pounder off your scrawny, little neck after it comes crashing down on you. So, poser, lie at your own risk, your ass shall live in peril.
5. Refusing to spot a girl places you on perfect grounds for self-castration.
6. If you must spot a woman, make sure you can handoff the weight and never EVER grunt or shake while doing it. You would be surprised to know that some women are actually very strong.
7. Maxing out every day is the dumbest ****ing thing you can ever do; and again, it’s not going to make you any stronger nor will it impress the women on the treadmills.
8. If you ever find yourself in a gym WITH treadmills, then you are obviously not a bench presser and aren’t in his type of gym and therefore you must leave, and If you find yourself on one of those treadmills then…YOU ARE GAY. Running out on the hard, burning asphalt is where the real men run. In fact, forget that; just don’t neglect your cardio….
9. If you must hit a max-out, for ****s sakes at least make sure you know you will get the weight. You look like stupid kid when you are caught wiggling around under 315 pounds.
10. If you find yourself in the gym wearing an iPod and a wife beater then you are what I call a tool and must leave the gym so that real men in the gym can use their weights. Both are a distraction and won’t make you bench press more, in fact studies show it makes you bench press less. And as for wife beaters, other men will know “you swole” when you are actually “swole” regardless of what you wear.
11. Grunting is never ever necessary and it is only acceptable when benching an excess of 225 pounds. Otherwise, NEVER grunt, it’s really ****in obnoxious.
12. If you lift your butt off the mat, then you might as well put one of those balancing balls under your back, that way it can stay up and we can all laugh at how ****in gay you look.
13. If you must lift, lift correctly or dont lift, going to the doctor to check on your buddies ripped peck is no fun, especially when he exclaims to you how well he "could of done".޲
14. Benching in front of women won’t get your ass laid, that’s why the free weights are over here and the women and their treadmills are over there.޲
15. You know you are a bench presser when you find your self doing triceps extensions with all of your books and constantly pushing yourself off something in your chair to move around in the office. That or you are just plain stupid. Either will do for me.
16. Never challenge that smart ass in the gym to a bench-off, chances are, he’ll beat you by 100 pounds. You know the guy I am talking about.޲
17. When you hear narrow or wide, you are totally obligated to think of grip-width and bench pressing.޲
18. There are some women in the gym that have a fair chance of out benching you; this is especially true if you are a tool wearing that **** iPod listening to Journey or Britney Spears and is always trying to get his ass laid…my advice for him is have his ass disappear before a real man chops his head of with a 45.
…If you don’t know what a “45” is then you probably need to become more familiar with what a tampon is.
19. In the cases of Powerlifting, the audience will be smaller than a woman’s basketball game audience.
20. You weren’t ever and never will be "strong enough".
21. For the record, playing those bad ass songs won’t make you and or your lift “bad ass” too, in fact, its really, really stupid so keep the radio turned off. It’s also a real friggin distraction. No one is moved (you shouldn’t be either) by a rock song by AC/DC when hitting 185 pounds for the first time...unless you are a woman and AC/DC is being played by that poodle boy next to you. In fact beat the poodle boy up and trash his radio.
22. Thinking and talking is forbidden and unnecessary in the gym so if you find it necessary to speak or think, do it somewhere else; and, while you are at it, go grab your balls found in the bottom drawer mentioned earlier.
23. This “magical workout” actually changes a lot; in fact none of them will actually work in ten weeks.
24. After a man hits a personal record, you swear his head gets bigger. I call these men “air heads”.
25. Put up or shut up.

-Michael Taylor

[daved150]

Tweetlol...very true

[badasz32]

Tweeti thinks its a little extreme. lol

[FUZO]

TweetGOOD RULES KITE

[kmelvi]

TweetVery funny and somewhat true.Unlike bench, a good squat session should envolve at least somebody puking!

[NICKD]

Tweetfunny list!