Persuasion isn’t just about getting your way—it’s about understanding your audience and setting goals in order to get your way. Yes, there’s a difference!
We caught up with Jay Heinrichs, author of Thank You for Arguing and forthcoming release Word Hero: A Fiendishly Clever Guide to Crafting the Lines that Get Laughs, Go Viral, and Live Forever to tell you how to have your way—without throwing temper tantrums like Chris Brown.
“Arguing isn’t a brawl,” explains Heinrichs. “It’s the act of persuading people and winning them over.” Know how to do it correctly and experience the many benefits of persuasion—and maybe even convince your boss to give you that overdue raise.

Arguing with Your Girlfriend
Let her know you value and understand her opinion. “You always need to establish the ultimate goal of the argument,” explains Heinrichs. “If you’re arguing with a love-interest, you probably won’t win her over by spouting-off your superior logic and pointing out her flaws.” The simple fix: Change the tense of your verbs from past to future. For example, say “Let’s set some rules for using the bathroom from now on,” instead of “You always call me a jerk for leaving the toilet seat up!” “The future lets you focus on a mutual goal, instead of harping on the past.” Asking “How can we stop this from happening again?” should do the trick.

Asking for a Raise
Start with the title, then move in for money. “Don’t ask over email,” explains Heinrichs. “Email doesn’t convey sincerity and character as well as in person.” Meet with him face-to-face and explain how the company can benefit from your increase in pay. “Don’t make it all about you,” advises Heinrichs. Start by taking on extra duties and ask for a change in title. Then, ask about a higher salary for the new position. “Go toward your goal a few yards at a time. First with the title, then with the raise.”

Disciplining Your Kids
Explain the consequences of their actions. “Appeal to their character,” says Heinrichs. “Don’t just reprimand them in the short-term—explain how it will make you perceive them in future.” So, if they’re caught in a lie, tell them that you won’t believe them next time. Or, if they’re caught stealing, say that you won’t trust them with the belongings in the house.
The bottom line? To get your way, you can’t make it all about you. Acknowledge the other person’s perspective and use it. Want a promotion? Think about it from your boss’s point of view. Want to make up with your girlfriend? Consider the relationship, not “victory,” explains Heinrichs.
—Kiera Aaron