I'm a bank

[Stout1]

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Good morning. I have a brief announcement: As of today, I am a bank.

Now I'll take your questions.

What do you mean, you're a bank? You're a newspaper schlub.

Not any more. I have filed for permission to reclassify myself as a bank. Or a bank holding company. I haven't decided, mainly because I'm not sure what the difference is.


You can't be a bank. You don't have any money.

Why do you think I've decided to become a bank? If you're a bank, you can get free money from the feds. I quote the Tuesday edition of The New York Times:

"Under the terms of the $250 billion capital purchase program announced last month, cash infusions are available to 'qualifying U.S. banks, savings associations and certain bank and savings and loan holding companies, engaged only in financial activities. That definition has grown to include private banks and insurers like Allstate and MetLife, which own savings and loans. It may also encompass industrial lenders like GE Capital and GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, provided they win approval to reclassify themselves as a bank or savings and loan holding company."

See, Allstate and MetLife changed themselves into banks. GE Capital and GMAC turned themselves into banks. American Express turned itself into a bank holding company. Therefore, I, too, am a bank.

But you're not "engaged only in financial activities" like it says in The Times.

I could be. In fact, I am, now that I'm a bank. I write for money, which makes writing a financial activity. Therefore, I see no reason why I shouldn't be classified as a bank.

Since you're a bank, could I get a loan?

No.

Aren't banks supposed to make loans?

Where have you been? The reason the economy is so sluggish is that banks won't make loans any more. Loans are, like, so totally last year. Banks sit on their money, which is what I plan to do as soon as I get my $500 million or so from the feds. I'm going to sit on it, or possibly invest in curios from the Franklin Mint.

Will you be issuing credit cards?

You bet. Credit cards are like gold. I borrow money from the feds at 1 to 2 percent; I give you a credit card at 22 percent. Even if you default after a few months, I'm way ahead. You bet. Credit cards are part of my plan.

What about debit cards?

Sure, no problem. It lets you have easy access to your money, and lets me have $2 or so every time you want it. Also, should you happen to overdraw your account, I can easily fine you $35 or so and take it right out of your account. Same with checking. You give me your dough, I pay you squat and I make a fortune in fines.

Here's another thing I'll do: I'll put your balance online, but I'll hold back all your ATM transactions until I'm pretty sure you don't know that you're about to be overdrawn, and then I'll sequence them so that I can get a $35 overdraft charge for each one. Banking is about the fees, man.

Will you have a lobby with friendly tellers?

Not if I can help it. Real estate and tellers are expensive. No, I'm going with machines, which I will buy with my money from the feds, only I won't pay cash. I'll have a few people around — computer guys, credit card harassment people — but I want to avoid people as much as possible.

You're going to need customers.

No, I just need their money. I don't see banking as a people business. I'm not going to be one of those "have a free toaster" kind of banks. You want a calendar, go to Office Depot.

What about shareholders?

Let them be their own banks. I don't need investors, I've got Hank Paulson, the Treasury secretary, and the guys at TARP, the Troubled Assets Recovery Program. I've got Congress and President Bush and President-elect Obama. They're counting on me, and I won't let them down.

So you'll be re-working mortgages?

Mortgages? Mortgages are loans, and I don't make loans. You saw what happened when banks made mortgage loans. No, I'm a safe, conservative bank. I sit on my money.

If you get money from TARP, they may expect you to make loans.

Not based on what I've seen so far.

Fine. You're a bank. May I keep this pen?

No.

[FUZO]

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