What if?

[kite]

TweetHave you ever wondered what would happen if you ran into yourself from years ago?


After hard day of leisure at the lake I took some time to kick back, sit in the ol’ rocking chair and just relax. I have sat in this chair many times over last few years and love the creaking sound it makes as I rock.

Creak, Creak, Creak

As I sat looking out over the water the sun began to set. In time, a haze began to form over the water and I noticed a small fishing boat in the distance. I was exhausted from the day and paid no attention to the boat. I was just happy to have this time alone. As the night grew darker the boat came closer. I noticed a large figure in the boat and wondered who it was.

Zip, Zip, Zip

This was a strange but familiar sound to me. I could not place it but I knew I had heard it before. I figured the sound was coming from the boat, maybe the motor. There are always strange sounds coming from those old aluminum boats and this had to be it. The noise grew louder and then the figure made it way to the dock in front of me. The bearded man in the boat wore a red flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off and had a huge gash on his forehead. He had to weigh close to 315 pounds and caused the back end of the boat to submerge in the water like a half erect penis. Inside the boat were empty carb drinks, Snickers wrappers, Copenhagen tins, squat suits, knee wraps, bench shirts and silver Pop Tart wrappers tossed all about. This reminded me of how the back of my old Chevy S-10 used to look. It began to take me back, but then I heard it again.

Zip, Zip, Zip

Then it hit me! I knew this sound. This was the sound I used to make when I was getting ready for a lift. But, why was I hearing it now?
What was causing this? Could this actually be Zippy right here in front of me?

Now I was messed up and began to wonder how many beers I had that day. Maybe it was the heat. I tried to shake it off but the figure did not go away. The next thing I know this massive being was trying to get out of the boat and crawl onto the dock. After several failed attempts he got pissed and threw a blue seat cousin that smacked me in the head.

Then it spoke…

(gasp)(gasp)(gasp) “Dude (gasp), We have to talk.”

Then I realized it WAS Zippy right here in front of me. I have no idea how this happened but it happened. This was like one of those old SCI-FI movies where you run into yourself from years past. I began to look for a ghost from my future as well but there was nothing else on the water. Just me and Zip.

The dialog began...

(gasp) “We need to talk”., Zippy, proclaimed as he moved about the boat side to side trying to relieve his hemorrhoid burn set off from a recent max effort squat session.


I felt kind of strange speaking to myself but did realize that this was not the first time. It was however the first time a ghostly figure sat right before my eyes.

“Okay tweed (gasp) I don’t really know where (gasp) to start. What is the deal (gasp) with the Tank Tops and shaker cups?” Zippy asked.

“I am not sure what you mean?” I looked myself over and I did not have a shaker cup anywhere near me. I was wearing a Defranco t-shirt received from a recent trip to Joe’s training center in Jersey.

Zippy’s eyes rolled back into his head with a look of total amazement. (gasp)(gasp)(gasp) “Dude you know what I mean. Look at your own (gasp) freaking web site!” Then he pulled out a tin of Copenhagen and dug his Shrek-like fingers into the black tobacco and proceeded to dig out a huge hunk and stuck it in his lip. Meanwhile twice as much of chew fell to the bottom of the boat with what looked like years of stained spit and dirt.

“Oh you mean those. Well, um. It was hot out and it seemed like the right thing to do. The pictures were taken to build the exercise index.” I tried my best to explain the reasons behind the pictures on the web site and the addition of meal replacement drinks to my diet.

In a look of disgust and confusion Zippy spoke again. “Okay, if this is what you want to think, fine. I know better. You are trying to be like one of the “others” and I know it.”

I did not understand what he meant by “others” and had to ask. “What do you mean?” I honestly had no idea what he meant.
Others; this could mean a million different things. At this point I was beginning to feel confused and needed further information.

“Have you really fallen that (gasp)(gasp)(gasp) far from the MonoLift? Tank Tops and Shaker Cups. Boy, get a clue.” Zippy then pulled a yellow inhaler out of his side pocket of his cargo shorts and took 3 hits from it. He claimed that the night air made it hard for him to breath.

Then it hit me.

I knew what he meant. He was speaking about the “others” who walk around the commercial gym with white tank tops and shaker cups full of red, white or brown liquid. I used to make fun of these guys to no end. Now I was on the web site wearing tank tops, but I was not pictured with any shaker cups. I keep these as hidden as I can because I just can’t become one of the “others”.

Zippy then began to relax and said, “Okay we are getting somewhere but there are (gasp) (gasp) more issues to (gasp)(gasp) address.”

I then noticed that Zippy had a river of sweat running down his head, and the whole top half of his shirt was soaked. I asked him if he was felling okay.

Zippy thanked me for noticing and said things are right on par. It seems he has a meet coming up in 23 weeks and feel just about ready to begin training for it. He mentioned his off-season GPP training went well and felt primed for some big records at the next meet.

“But you are beat red. Well, almost purple and it looks like you sprang a leak. Maybe you should do a little more cardio work” I said as I rocked back in my chair beginning to feel as though I was not in charge of this conversation.

Zippy then squatted up with so much explosive force the boat began shaking the dock so hard I felt my chair began to move. In one huge rant Zippy went off, “Damn it Dave, this is what I am taking about.
(gasp, gasp) Freaking cardio, diets, tea of green stuff, un-fried chicken, low carbs, cardio, curls, volume training, jumping, cardio, weighing food, supplements, cardio. It all (gasp,gasp) has to stop!
I am sick of it! It has gone on far too long! I put up with this crap for awhile because it was funny (gasp, gasp) at first. Now! This shit is getting serious and (gasp, gasp) I am about to freaking explode (gasp, gasp) and bust an ore right (gasp, gasp) across you freakin’ head.”

“Tea of Green Stuff?” I asked.

This must have been the final straw because Zippy turned even redder and began to rummage about the boating looking for something….
Looking…Looking, then he found a tackle box and began beating himself on the head and then threw it in the lake. In a full out rage he began one of hugest rants I have ever heard.

“What the hell are you trying to do?"

" I have spent the past 8 years pumping you full of Pop Tarts, Oreo’s, Snickers bars, pizza and ice cream. I have spent hours and gut-reaching sessions get your weight up. I can’t count the number of times I threw up from eating too much food. I PAID MY DUES! For what! So you can diet it all away. YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME! This is total bullshit and has to stop. Who the hell do you think you are? Where does this all end. Look at you. Where the hell is my gut? How in the hell am I supposed to squat with that thing? You look like a little high school cheerleader. Man the hell up and eat some fries god damn it. You now stand behind you pristine stove with spatula in hand cooking damn chicken and green peppers! Have you ever seen a chicken? You know what I am saying because YOU SAID IT. Have you even seen a damn chicken? Have you seen the necks on those things? They are the size of a toothpick! Just like you will be benching if you keep this up. Eat a f*cking bull! They have jacked up necks, like yours used to be. (gasp)(gasp) (gasp) (gasp)”

Zippy then pulled the back of his shorts up and high as he could and wrenched his belt as tight as he could. He then proceeded to sit down by first spreading his leg, arching his back and pulling his chest up. As he sat back I heard him say under his breath “back, back, back”. He then sat on the bench with perfect form (but was still a couple inches high). At this point he reached in and pulled his inhaler out again for a few quick puffs. The sweat was now uncontrollable with pudding accumulating on the floor of the boat. If there was anymore sweat he would need a water pump to keep the boat from sinking.

He continued, “Now you are training biceps! Curls are for girls, Tri's are for guys! Do you remember that or has all the oils from fish diluted your brain? AND, what is the deal with "choppers"?

Choppers are for the road not the damn gym.

If you want to train those "twistin" muscles then go swing an axe! AND! AND! AND! The whole before/after thing has got to go! You think this is motivating to people? Motivating to do what? Get small and weak! Look at those pics. The first one where you weight 315 is BY FAR the best of all of them. We worked hard for that. Do you remember the week before that picture was taken? Now that was good times. Now… (gasp)(gasp)(gasp)

This must have passed Zippy's lactic acid threshold because he began to look pale. Second later he was heaving off the side of the boat. In between the acid reflux and dry heaves I heard him say "Loooooooook you are maaaaaaking me siiiiiiick.”

What was I to do?

I sat there thinking of the good old days. The heavy ass singles, the force feeding sessions, the shin splints, sore feet, cramped lower back, not being able to turn my head fully from side to side and really began to miss it. Is this who I really am?
Who the hell have I become? What am I thinking? There is nothing better than being big and strong. Not as most people would think. I mean big ass big and **** strong. Not like the guy in the gym that walks around wearing a tank top carrying a shaker cup. OH MY GOD! I had one of those moments. You know what I mean. Right when you think you are good looking you look in the mirror and see how little hope there really is. Could I be the shaker cup guy?

About the same time Zippy brought himself to one knee and then the next. Once again he got into a squat stance and began to rise. As he neared the top he began shaking. I was looking on wondering what the hell was going on. Was this the Zippy shake I have been hearing about all these years? The shaking got worse to the point the boat was rocking form side to side. First it was a modest rock but then it got out of hand. I had no idea what to do. He stood at the top of the squat ready to go but lacked total tightness (I guess he needed to do some pull down abs). I watched in total disbelief and screamed "SQUAT" in hopes he would break his hips and sit back down. He must not have heard me because the shaking got worse and the boat tipped over. This huge mass of man went flying into the water. As soon as he hit the water a huge cloud of dust formed where he hit.

The sky began to flicker.

Then I saw it. Right before my eyes I saw the worst sight a lifter could ever see. This sight is worse than any injury or bad day at work. We can deal with screaming kids eating all the Pop Tarts. We can deal with nagging neighbors who don't understand you NEED to drag the sled ad 5:00am. We can even deal with all the extra workouts we NEED to do. This sight before me was one that haunts you for years. Right before my eyes in the sky about I saw three huge red lights.

This sight was so disturbing to me that I actually felt my eyes pounding. This pounding moved to my checks, then the back of my head.
Was my head about to explode? It was then I felt a finger jabbing me and heard, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Get Up.”

Get up, I thought.

Get up from what? Had I passed out? How long have I been out? Was this all a dream? I quickly looked to the sky and only saw a few stars and the moon. I looked for the capsized boat and could not see anything. I went to grab my son’s hand and began to walk back up the hill to the house trying to sort all this out in my head. Could I be doing the right thing? Am Ibeing true to MYSELF?
What is happening to ME? Is this what I have spent my life working for? As I was trying to figure out what this all meant to ME I heard it again...

Zip, Zip, Zip

I quickly spun around to see if he was still there. Had he come back for one more rant? I looked and did not see any sign of him and figured it was just part of my imagination.

Zip-zip, Zip-zip, Zip-zip

This time it was in echo and sounded much closer. Then I realized.
The sound was coming from my two boys. I then knew everything was going to be okay because this journey was no longer just about ME.

[crombie09]

TweetI'd read that but I have things to do today.

[kite]

Tweetoops, forgot to include his sig, it's by Dave Tate.

[kite]

Tweet

I'd read that but I have things to do today.

Now you know that only takes a minute.