Dads with daughters: Official Rules

[NATE]

TweetOriginally posted by Felixdakat:

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[daved150]

TweetI'VE READ THIS BEFORE, AND IT IS STILL GREAT!! MY DAUGHTERS FUTURE BOYFRIENDS WILL BE BUMMED. I TELL MY WIFE ALL THE TIME, IF SHE'S SMART THE FIRST COUPLE BOYFRIENDS WILL BE DORKS...JUST TRIAL RUNS, BECOUSE I'M SURE TO "AL BUNDY" THERE ASS OUT THE DOOR...MAYBE AFTER THE FIRST 4-5 I'LL LIGHTEN UP....BUT I DOUBT IT

[kite]

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I'VE READ THIS BEFORE, AND IT IS STILL GREAT!! MY DAUGHTERS FUTURE BOYFRIENDS WILL BE BUMMED. I TELL MY WIFE ALL THE TIME, IF SHE'S SMART THE FIRST COUPLE BOYFRIENDS WILL BE DORKS...JUST TRIAL RUNS, BECOUSE I'M SURE TO "AL BUNDY" THERE ASS OUT THE DOOR...MAYBE AFTER THE FIRST 4-5 I'LL LIGHTEN UP....BUT I DOUBT IT

Same here brah. I hate to see that day come, I know I'm gonna be off the chain!

[chaos]

Tweetthis is absolutly ME!

[DeezGunz]

Tweetdeezy likey, deezy want wingy

[Skarhead]

Tweeti could never handle having a daughter

[daved150]

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i could never handle having a daughter

HONESTLY BRO, I THOUGHT THAT TOO. NOW, I WOULDNT WANT MORE THAN 1...BUT, THE 1 I GOT IS DADDY'S PRINCESS!!!! I FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE BOY'S!! (NOT REALLY)

[BlondeD]

TweetThat is just another reason for my husband to stay working out hard..and continually growing....wants to scare the poor boys away!! She is already boy crazy and she's only 9!!!!!!!

[kite]

Tweethell my oldest one is only 5 and she tells me that she's getting married to some little shit from her pre-k.

[FUZO]

TweetDAMN RIGHT

[T-Man007]

TweetI got lucky and had a son first. So he will be thouroughly trained in the arts of seek and destroy if in the event we have a girl and she gets hurt by some little smuck.

This is what I'm going to say to the guy if that day comes:
"You see that little girl right there? That's my pride and joy. That's the most important thing in my life." *Then while placing my arm aroung him* "So when you get to where you're going and you start thinking about hgging and kissing my little girl, I want you to remember just one thing.......I ain't got no problem going back to prison." *slap him on the butt* "Now you two have a good time".

[ByRoN]

Tweetmy g/f was born on christmas eve and her dad told me that that was his chirstmas present and he don't let anyone play with his toys??? i hope to god i never ever have a girl because back in the day i know what i did and i know that i till kill some little punk ass mother fucker!!!

[kite]

Tweet

I got lucky and had a son first. So he will be thouroughly trained in the arts of seek and destroy if in the event we have a girl and she gets hurt by some little smuck.

This is what I'm going to say to the guy if that day comes:
"You see that little girl right there? That's my pride and joy. That's the most important thing in my life." *Then while placing my arm aroung him* "So when you get to where you're going and you start thinking about hgging and kissing my little girl, I want you to remember just one thing.......I ain't got no problem going back to prison." *slap him on the butt* "Now you two have a good time".

I gotta remember that one! Instead of a slap on the ass though I think a nice attention getting smack across the back of his head may be more appropriate.

[T-Man007]

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I gotta remember that one! Instead of a slap on the ass though I think a nice attention getting smack across the back of his head may be more appropriate.

Yea yea, smack to head, that's much better.

[felixdakatt]

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That is just another reason for my husband to stay working out hard..and continually growing....wants to scare the poor boys away!! She is already boy crazy and she's only 9!!!!!!!

Bingo! I have 2 already.