Some quotes and and a few Random Acts of Insanity

[Hollywood]

Tweet> >>
> >>A few quotes:
> >>
> >>1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
> >>pants.
> >>
> >>2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol
content.
> >>
> >>3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
> >>
> >>4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
> >>"Implants?"
> >>
> >>5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
> >>standing up fast.
> >>
> >>6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
> >>
> >>7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
> >>
> >>8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
> >>with.
> >>
> >>9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
> >>
> >>10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> >>
> >>12. There are two sides to every divorce: ours and shithead's.
> >>
> >>13. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving
> >>me lately!
> >>
> >>14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days
> >>I've stayed alive.
> >>
> >>15. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one
> >>busted condom?
> >>
> >>16. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
> >>rabbits on the highway?
> >>
> >>17. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
> >>
> >>18. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
> >>
> >>19. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
> >>"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
> >>
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>
> >>Can you believe it? How stupid can people be???? Documented screw-ups of
> >>the year:
> >>
> >>
> >>When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during
> >>a
> >>hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
> >>something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
> >>tried
> >>the trigger again. This time it worked.
> >>
> >>The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine
> >>and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance
> >>company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to
> >>have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The
> >>chef's claim was approved.
> >>
> >>A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a
> >>blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
> >>the
> >>space. Understandably, he shot her.
> >>
> >>After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found
> >>that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
> >>from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence
> >>the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there
a
> >>free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
> >>mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
> >>and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
> >>days.
> >>Damn I like that one...
> >>
> >>An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious
> >>head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
> >>the
> >>injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
> >>he
> >>could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
> >>
> >>A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
> >>examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It
> >>only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant.
> >>"The
> >>mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
> >>daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by
> >>having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched
> >>the
> >>horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the
> >>window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
> >>"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last
time
> >>this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I
was
> >>hoping that they would show up again."

[njjuicer]

Tweetvery inspiring lol