Nature has been pretty crafty in providing its creatures with just the right tools to help them to survive in their environments. And this list is just the beginning; it doesn’t even mention the passive-aggressive parrot who didn’t want a cracker, anyway—he knows that you’re probably still too busy to bring him one and he’s perfectly happy to gather the seeds scattered on the floor of his cage because it’s not like he had anything else to do today; the lazy worker bee who always shows up to the hive like 20 minutes late and avoids getting hassled about it by slamming his briefcase down and muttering to himself so that all the other bees can tell that he had a really intense morning; or Large Marge.

Finally, of course, there’s me, who combines all of the best defenses seen here: like the mimic octopus, I am quite adept at acting tougher than I actually am but, like the pangolin, I curl into a ball when threatened; like the bombardier beetle, I have been known to produce diverse toxins in my abdominal sacks and, like the hagfish, I can frequently be found cleansing myself of massive amounts of my own goo; and, heck, “Pistol Shrimp” was even my nickname in the high school gym locker room—because, I assume, of my ballistic wit and love of briny shellfish.