A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. when the bartender brings it over, the vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and starts dipping it in and out of the water. The bartender sees this and asks, "what on earth are you doing?"
and the vampire says, "making tea"

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A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a ***** Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "**** off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight *****!"
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TOP SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TO DRINK~

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
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HONEYMOON~

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
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Halloween Funnies:

What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.




Stay Strong~~!!!
IPL