Aphorisms for Today

[Buffgrandpa]

TweetWomen should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore am I perfect?

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years ....then we met.

Every time I see a good looking girl in a bar I remember Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different language

[daved150]

TweetI gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

i'll be using this one real soon!!

[FUZO]

TweetTHATS SOME GREAT STUFF

[badasz32]

Tweetgood post bro

[kite]

Tweetfunny