Co-Worker is getting her ass kicked by her husband

[leankid]

TweetI've known this girl for a couple of years, and she's about as nice as they come. my mom has become her friend as well, and she confides in my mother. She has always seemed happily married, until recently she had a child. Her husband is jealous of the baby, and tells her often how she "fucked up his life by getting pregnant" (wtf?). I've just found out that her husband has been abusing the shit out of her. I've seen bruises on her a lot, but I guess I was naive about it.

My question is what should I do to help? Her self worth has obviously taken a hit as well, since she won't leave this cowardly fucker. I don't want to do anything drastic to make it worse for her, but I'm really worried about her, and the child!

Anyone have suggestions?

[SUGARBABY]

TweetFirst see WHAT she has confided in your mom - if she has admitted abuse for the child.

I would confront her and find out if she wants out of this situation, if she doesn't, then you need to contact child protective services and have them (hopefully) remove the child from the home. Once that happens I am sure the mother will want to leave as well to get custody of the child.

[edvedr]

Tweettough one, i don't know how much you can do except for to be there for her. she is the only one who can change the situation. i would say don't take anything upon yourself, just be there for her and help her anyway that she ASKS for. good luck

[jipped genes]

Tweeti agree the cops hate domestic violence they will take him to jail but you have to be sure. and if he had an accident where his face hit the sidewalk 7-8 times real hard before they were notified thats ok too as long as nobody else goes to jail because its an accident right?

[leankid]

TweetSaturn, thanks. I was wondering if there was a suspected abuse foundation or something. I guess I need to look in the yellow pages.

Sugar, no reports of physical abuse to the child, but he has physically abused her in front of the child, so I guess that's a pretty substancial level of mental abuse.

[trip]

Tweetleankid,

It is a very tough emotional situation for all involved.

It is so easy from outside the drama too see the solution and very easy to say, "just do it." In reality it is rare that it happens that way.

First and foremost like edv said make sure what has been confided is the truth. Not saying she is a liar, yet sometimes people have different defintions of things. Him saying, "You getting pregnant screwed up their lifes," could mean many things.

Playing devils advocate, money could be very tight for them, and money might be tight because she is a secret spendaholic that you don't know about, so the husband when he said that really might mean, that the wife promised to control spending to offset costs of baby and she might not be doing that, thus his words.

That is just an example, yet when you get into these things it is more the norm.

You said he's been abusing her, and you've seen bruises.

Again, taking me for an example, I bruise like a peach, I can have a bad night sleeping thrash about and wake up with scratches and bruises, look at them and go WTF.

The main thing for your own sanity, because the ultimate goal is too be there too help when and if she is ready too change, is to understand YOU CANNOT HELP PEOPLE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELVES.

It is why their is freedom of choice, freewill and freedom in general. Unfortunately sometimes people make bad choices and continue to make them for a lifetime, not saying your friend is doing this, yet it is a part of life.

If you are so concerned call a hot line or a professional in this area and get EXPERT INFO & ADVICE for this situation.

Anything a post says will be general in nature.

And the best general advice like all posts say is to let her know you are there and that you care, do it consistently, and don't crowd her, if she is smart she knows she is in a pickle last thing she wants is to be reminded of it all the time, it makes her feel embarresed and she will likely pull back, which makes her feel more alone and thus harder to change.

Most people in these situations know it, and you just need to consitently let her know your there so the day she starts thinking about it, she knows where to go.

Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

[leankid]

Tweet

Originally posted by jipped genes
if he had an accident where his face hit the sidewalk 7-8 times real hard before they were notified thats ok too as long as nobody else goes to jail because its an accident right?

Well, that's what I didn't want to resort to. Not to mention he's a monster! He used to own a gym, and he's huge and used to fight a lot!

[leankid]

TweetWell, she didn't bring out the "He loves me" phrase, but she said that she didn't want to leave, because of the child.. Brilliant statement on her part, since he gets to see his parent have a knock down dragout.

What really hurts me to think about, is that she said the baby screams to the top of his lungs while this is going on!

I'm not completely siding with her, I'm sure she could be provoking, but she said that she pulled up at home about 30 minutes later than usual due to traffic, and she could get out of her car, because he was beating on the window.

She says that she doesn't have the money to leave, and she can't go to her parents, because they think she's on drugs (she is on xanax by prescription), but my mother told her to come stay at her house for as long as she needed too!

[edvedr]

Tweetanother thing bro, its real easy for you to get wrapped up in this emotionaly. i'm sure she is gonna do things that you don't agree with, just bite your tongue cause there is only so much you can do. if you show anger she might not come to you when she needs you and you don't want that. it gonna be frustrating on your part but remember its her life and she has to be willing to make the changes herself

[leankid]

TweetThanks ya'll. I appreciate your advice. I've watched her go downhill quick, and it's scary how she's just a big ball of emotion all the time. You can tell it's on her mind all the time!

[trip]

Tweetleankid,

This is the tough tough tough part that you are dealing with.

This is most likely the underlying emotion that is going on, and there is not much you can do about it.

The No. 1 Fear of Folks: is Fear of Change

Defining Fear of Change we get: Anticipation of PAIN if something is different.

If she leaves EVERYTHING in her life will be different. To move out of home to her FEELS like moving 1/2 across the world.

And most folks never ever want to move 1/2 way across the world, me included.

What she is doing, is in her mind she is thinking about all the painful things that she will have to deal with if she leaves:
1. money problems
2. baby-sitting problems
3. laywers
4. parents on both sides
5. him being a bigger but-head
6. dating again, arghhhhhhhhhh
7. being a single mom
8. health care
9. being alone
10. being alone
11. being alone

You could add another dozen things to list, all of them are changes she will have to face and deal with, thus in her mind she is feeling the pain of all those changes even before they happen,

So in her mind right now: the future is ten times scarier than the present,

Thusly the likelyhood of changin now is low.

something drastic usually has too happen or over time slowly by slowly she realizes this is not the life for her and her baby, and then she slowly moves into action

One red flag is what their parents think of her, or what she says they think of her.

Most girls are daddy's little girl, you would think if she told her dad, he would do something, the fact that she says this is not the situation is well a concern.

Most likely though to embarassed to tell parents.

Actually it's a good sign she is talking of this stuff, that is the first step, and usually the first people you talk to are non friends because not embarassing or folks you think will support you.

she needs to hear herself express this stuff let some of the stress and anxiety that has been building up release from her insides, which are probably in tatters.

All in all you're doing a great job, just keep on doing it.

Good Luck

[edvedr]

Tweettrip, excellent as always. i need to find out more about you. your like the mystery man full of wisdom, you don't even have an avatar

[trip]

Tweetthanks guys,

they don't pay me because I SUCK, lol

no mystery, age, studying, and lot's of mistakes, and a desire to do better, like a good cycle all parts need to work

gotta go to work later folks

[Sachet]

TweetYou know what I would do?
If you know them well, I would definately get involved.
The first thing you DON'T do is accuse him of anything because you'll lose him as an audience.
Build him up by saying how much you envy him having a child.
Find parenting educational material {the highschools offer classes now} and leave it with him.

Confide in him that you have a problem with one of your friends hurting his wife and wondered if HE could give you advice on what to do for her because she's trapped there with two kids or something like that
Make him see what he's doing without calling him a wimp.
That baby's probably waking both of them up a few times a night so they're both probably very overtired.