Cornucopia


Cornucopia. Hodge Podge. Horn-a-plenty. Whatever you want to a call a huge grab bag of stuff, Iím selling it here. Plus, Cornucopia (a song by Black Sabbath) features one of the baddest riffs of all time. Not only that, but the song has been covered by two of the greatest bands of all time: Eyehategod and Iron Monkey. In fact the formers version of the song was what I was listening to when the idea came. Jimmy Bower is my muse.

The reason for this article is that there are several topics that need to be discussed but the length of the article would be too short. Some of this stuff has been on the Q/A, but it needs to be discussed here. So turn up the Sabbath and enjoy the tidbits.

Chains

A lot of people ask how many chains they need per side for the bench press or the squat.

In general Ė the bench press will have two chains per side; the squat will have three per side.

Most people can use two or three chains per side when they squat. If they can only use one chain per side, they probably donít need to be using chains when they squat.

On the other hand, one chain per side is common on the bench press as is two.

How do you determine how many chains you can handle on the bench press? Letís say that you are using them on your dynamic day. Your bar weight is 60% and you put on one chain per side. Your speed is fine. Next, you put on two chains/side and your speed is awful. You have two choices Ė take a chain off or lower the bar weight. If you understand that speed is the goal of the day, you cannot make a bad decision.

As a side note: donít use a ton of chain on either the squat or the deadlift. Why? Because by doing so you will be losing bar weight, thus low end strength.

So in conclusion and to make this brutally simple Ė


Squat Ė 3 chains/side
Bench Ė 2 chains/side

How to Train Like Robinson Crusoe

One of the hardest things to do is to train alone. Unfortunately, this is the reality for a lot of people. This is especially true if you are lucky enough to get out of a commercial gym and train at home. While dynamic days are pretty easy to train alone, itís the max effort days that are killers. And I mean this literally. The bench press can do some serious harm if a bar comes down on your neck or face. So how does one train alone? Here are some helpful hints:


1. Make sure you set up your safety pins to catch the bar if you miss. This is a no-brainer, but it needs to be reiterated.

2. When doing board presses you have two options: 1. Place the boards underneath your shirt and let the shirt hold them to your body. This will give you a legitimate excuse to wear Under Armor. 2. Using some sort of strap around your body to hold the boards. I have done both options and they both are acceptable, but not great. But since there is no alternative, try them both.

3. Now the most important question: How do I not get crushed? The answer is to not fail! Simply put, do more sets/reps at 90-95% but donít go any higher. An example workout would look like this:


1x5 @ 50%
1x5 @ 60%
1x3 @ 70%
1x1 @ 80%
1x1 @ 90%
1x1 @ 95%
1x1 @ 90%

4. Since you donít have any training partners, you may want to start videoing some of your workouts to see how your form is.

5. Turn on some music and meditate before you start lifting. Since you donít have anyone to help push you, you are going to have to be stronger mentally and bring your own intensity to the gym.

6. Remember this: Iíd rather train alone that train with a group of wimps. So donít think that you are missing out by training alone. This is the cards youíve been dealt so make the best of it.

7. If you are training alone and with a bench shirt Ė donít do it. I can only see problems with this. The answer: find a group of guys that can help you out.


Assistance and Supplemental Lifts

How do you pick which ones to do?

This is simple. First, get yourself a piece of paper and write the following for the bench press Ė


Low end
High end
Lats
Upper Back

Now take each category and write 3 (three) exercises that you believe will help each one. Donít just write anything; actually sit down and think about each area. And be honest. Donít just pick an exercise because it was recommended. Pick something that you believe can work for you.

For example, for the ďLow EndĒ Category (for me) Iíd write dumbbell bench press, military press and chain suspended pushups.

Now take your list and do those damn exercises. You wrote down that these exercises were the best for you, so do them! Donít screw around with stuff that doesnít work.

How to commit a crime and get away with it

After the acquittal of Michael Jackson, Iím convinced that we all can get away with crimes, but there is a sliding scale based on your income level and fame.

The Hobo Factor Ė This needs to be considered because while they have neither money nor fame, they are so low in each department, that committing crimes is actually OK. This is because a warm jail cell beats a cold street.

Poverty level Ė Heads up! You canít get away with anything. It would behoove you to take up Ninja classes to make yourself invisible with the authorities. Here are some links to help you in your new art.

Do it Ninja Style

Enter the Ninja

Middle class Ė Since this is deteriorating, Iíd like to welcome all of you middle class people. You are a dying breed; you will either be poor or rich, so itís best not to try to commit crimes that would severely hamper your economic status. For example, people wonít get convicted if they are in possession of the herb. They make enough money to smoke a bit and not get convicted. But be careful with the drunk driving. Unless you know someone that can get you out of it, this is not the best avenue to take. Stick with public urination and personal amounts of street drugs. Here is a link to the names of street drugs. This is hilarious as it calls steroids, ďArnoldsĒ.

ĒLudes, man. F#ckiní Ludes!Ē

Middle/Upper Class Ė Sorry folks, you canít get away with murder. But donít fret. Assault is cool with the middle/upper class. It lets your blue collar friends know that you are still ďtrueĒ and your upper class snobs that you mean business. They will secretly admire you.

Upper Class Ė Everything but the biggies Ė murder and rape. At this point, you probably have enough money to hire people to do your dirty work for you.

Daddy Warbucks Money Ė Start throwing knives, shooting guns, and handing out the GHB. Youíve got clearance.

By the way, this is supposed to be funny. Those of you that donít find humor in this sort of thing should print it off, give it someone that doesnít have a humor deficiency and let them show you the parts that you are supposed to laugh or smirk. Good times.