TweetTHE LITTLE GIRL & THE BIRD

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night
with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the
morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he
would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent
for an apartment." On the way to the office, he decided that the whole
thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his
secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
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Dear madam:

Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression:

1. That it had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. That it was small.

Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and
it was entirely too large.
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Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with
the following note:
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Dear sir:

I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As
for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. As
for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture
to fill it.
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[Sometimes a good comeback is compensation enough...]

TweetDJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."-3 minutes of commercials follow
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"(touch tones.... ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll lose. So do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the ass....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "OK Folks, we need to take a station break......