TweetMEMO
Subject: This Year's Christmas Party....
From: Patti Lewis - Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 4
I'm happy to inform you that the Company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon, in the private room at The Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols - feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patti
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Subject: Christmas Party
From: Patti Lewis - Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 5
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately this year it does not. However from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will NOT be a Christmas tree. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now??
Happy Holidays to you and your family..
Patti

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Subject: Holiday Party
From: Patti Lewis - Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 6
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads 'AA Only,' you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange - no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe that $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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Subject: Holiday Party
From: Patti Lewis - Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 7
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps The Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work??
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress - NO cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as desserts for Diabetics - the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!!
Did I miss anything!!??
Patti

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Subject: The F*'*ING Holiday Party
From: Patti Lewis - Human Resources Director
To: All F*'*ING Employees
Date: December 8

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!! We're going to keep this party at The Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death,' as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die.
The ***** from Hell

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SUBJECT: Patti Lewis and Office Holiday Party
FROM: Joan Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patti Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!!

Tweethahah...ole Patti got enough of that chit. What's sad is ya wonder for a second if it's real. We need to get back to,"If it doesn't suit you, then don't fukin attend. Pay no attention and go about your business." Why isn't it that simple? oh yeah...frivolous lawsuits that empty pockets.