Dirty joke thread

[koss]

TweetA bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful
blonde woman walked in and took a seat. She ordered up a Coors and sat there
drinking it for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool.
The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.
Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of
the situation.

The next night, the bartender was again working the late shift, but some of
his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his
good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again.
The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady
sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out.
The bartender closes up shop, and him and all of his friends take turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show
up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The
woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So,
the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar.
The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my ***** sore."

[koss]

TweetCinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked step mother wont let her. In anger she storms out of the house.
In the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
looking love struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three
hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell
me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something
or other...."

[koss]

TweetA mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his
dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on
the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[koss]

TweetThe Frog
> > > A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
/>
> > > After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
> She
> > > told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
> > > fortune.
> > >
> > > "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
> been
> > > trained to give blow jobs!" "Blowjobs?!" the woman replied.
> > >
> > > "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he
said.
> > >
> > >
> > > The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
> true...no
> > > more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
> > >
> > > When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
> > > skeptical and laughed it off.
> > >
> > > The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform
this
> > > less than riveting act again.
> > >
> > > In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
> pans
> > > flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
> > >
> > > She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
frog
> > > reading cookbooks.
> > >
> > > "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
> > >
> > > The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is
> > > gone!"

[koss]

TweetA man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind
of Lifesavers and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is
it?"
The children began to say, " Red.. Cherry, Yellow.. Lemon, green...
lime, orange...
orange."
Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children sucked on
them for a while, but couldn't identify the taste. "Well," he said,
"I'll give you a hint. It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled:
"Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"

[koss]

TweetAn Australian ventriloquist is visiting Wicklow on
his holidays, and happens upon a small village. On the
road into the village he spies a local farmer leaning
on his gate patting his dog, so he figures he'll have
a little bit of good-natured fun. Ventriloquist:
"G'day Mate! Good-looking dog, mind
if I speak to him?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk,
ya stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's
it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager:
(look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this
villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog:
"Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog:
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist:
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I
think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at
the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does
he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking.
He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist:
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "Listen mister, the sheep's a fuckin' liar."

[koss]

TweetTwo little boys are sitting in the living room,
> watching TV with their parents. The mother
> looks over at the father with a wink and a
> nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The
> father "gets" the message, and they both
> get up and head towards the stairs.
>
> The mother turns back to the two boys and
> says, "We're going upstairs for a minute.
> You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be
> right back, OK?"
>
> The two boys nod OK, and the parents take
> off upstairs. The oldest of the boys is old
> enough to know what's going on, and he gets
> up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs,
> he peeks into his mom and dad's room and
> shakes his head.
>
> Back downstairs he goes, back to his little
> brother. "Come with me," he says, and the
> boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older
> one turns to his brother and says, "Now I want
> you to keep in mind, this is the same woman
> who used to bust our butts for sucking our
> thumbs

[koss]

TweetJerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink.
Mr. Falwell replied "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen
*****, than let liquor touch these lips."

The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant
And said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have the same thing."

[koss]

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[jack hust]

Tweetlmfao

[redballer3232]

TweetFunny stuff !