TweetNot sure if this is the right place to post but I dont have alot of people to discuss this fully with because of the subject matter.
So been with the wife for almost 10 years and dated about 5 years prior to that.
We have had a hard relationship. Alot of it due to my moodiness.
Long story short. Been a jerk in our relationship. I mean I am good most of the time, but I am type A personality and would blow up over stupid things throughout our relationship, then once we had a child that of course put more tension due to us having difference in raising her. We both love her dearly.
So anyways a couple of years ago my wife caught me "hooking friends up with rat juice" . We went through counseling and I promised not to ever mess with them again.
Well since that time frame I have worked on my anger and controlling it. (note I have never hit my wife just yelled, which is still hurtful and I always regret it)
About 3-4 years ago I got on my adrenal supplements and TRT and my blowups were less frequent and then after the above incident I worked even harder on controlling my blowups. Our relationship improved but still occasionally would have arguments.
Well a couple of months ago she found my small stash and of course was upset. The past two months have been really hard. Going through all the emotions, sad, angry, confused, etc.
I have done alot of soul searching and do accept my responsability for my issues. I honestly think it is a "heart" issue. Focus to much on my needs and opinions and fail at understanding others. I see it in my work and friendships as well. I am working on it. I know some of you are not religious but I contacted my pastor and spoke with him. I am trying to work on praying every day, doing devotions, and changing my mindset. Very hard but even if my marriage fails I want this part of me to succeed so I can prosper in my relationships with my daughter, future person I date or wife if we stick to together, and clients and coworkers.
At the same time still not sure what to do with my relationship with my wife. We both are to the point that something has to change, because we can't keep doing this.
Her main issues with me are "rat juice" usage and my moods (note: I guess I can be bipolarish. At times I am super sweet and patient and other times blow up at the smallest things )
Her other issue is she wants another child. Before we got married I told her I really didn't want children but agreed to have one for her. No longer than a few months after the first one she wanted another one and that has been a big argument ever since. Dont get me wrong at times I want another one but always had certain issues I will mention below that stopped me from wanting one.
My issues have been her family is very challenging to be around. I come from a quiet family and her family is on top of each other screaming, yelling, TV blasting, etc. Plus a mentally ill chronic alcoholic brother that drinks handsanitzer, steals, lies, etc.
She has no organizational skills and house has become very messy. In fairness she has a hard job and keeps our daughter as soon as she gets off work until I get home which is late. Also I am good at organizing and cleaning and have realized I can get off my ass and do more. I already did alot but I try and do more. I grew up with a mom that was super organized and I guess I held this to a normal value.
Money - I am a very frugal individual and save everything. I come from a family who had great paying jobs but still lived life meagerly. She on the other hand comes from a one income family who spends it as soon as they have it. Grant it she does better than most females, at least that is what friends tell me, but then she gives our daughter whatever she wants, buys special meals for her every night, etc.
The final thing is raising our daughter. My wife is a people pleaser. I on the other hand am not. Lots of conflict on raising our daughter. I dont know if she has every disciplined our child, putting it all on me. But then she gets upset if I am to harsh or spank. Also they pretty much have slept together forever and I sleep in another bed. Finally our daughter stays up with us until we go to bed. (9PM-10PM). I strongly disagree with this for numerous reasons but again my wife wont battle our daughter and never believed when she was a baby about crying it out, etc.
I have missed intimacy and time with my wife for almost 6 years now. Sex life is not what I would like it to be (about once a week or every other week). For some on TRT this is not sufficient.
So we both have changes that need to occur. I need more patience and to communicate better. She needs to work with me on the budget and learn to say no to our daughter.
Been some talks with lots of crying on both parts. I find myself really depressed at times and other times optimistic about the future. My wife is a wonderfully kind, loving, and forgiving person. A strong christian and I love her for all those things. I am very attracted to her even though she has put some weight on. I honestly do not desire another woman but do wish we had more initimacy.
She needs to be spoken to kinder and I need to show more restrain, understanding, and patience.
I am so confused and scared of the upcoming months. We really do not have the money to try a separation. I think she would like to try that, but again we don't have an extra $1K a month to do that. She is going to start seeing a counselor that our church is kindly paying for. I have access to 6 free couseling sessions via my work that I think I will take advantage of.
I know this was just a bunch of rambling but welcome any advice from those in long term relationships and that have divorced, or maybe divorced and then gotten back together.
I can be a jerk but I can also be a very loving person and have always been a team player when it comes to work around the house. I give my wife massages and always have tried to shown her love and affection.
So confused.