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LIBERAL P.E.S.T. CONTROL
For years some conservatives have argued that liberalism is a mental disorder. They finally have their proof. The American Health Association has diagnosed a new disorder caused by the reelection of George W. Bush: post-election selection trauma (P.E.S.T). The Boca Raton News reports that as many as 50 people have sought psychological help after experiencing "feelings of extreme anger, despair, hopelessness, powerlessness, a failure to function behaviorally, a sense of disillusionment" brought upon by the devastating Kerry loss.
The condition was aggravated by "unrealistic recount hopes" requiring "intense hypnotherapy" conducted by trauma specialist Douglas Schooler. "A lot of Kerry voters don't know what to do with their anger, because there was no recount, so they've kept it bottled up," said Scholler, who is also a certified sex therapist. "I help them transform their anger into more positive emotions."
I think that instead of calling a shrink these people ought to be calling a lawyer. Their "unrealistic recount hopes" had been directly planted and eagerly maintained by CBS, ABC and CNN when they refused to call Ohio for Bush at the request of the Kerry campaign. All the emotional suffering caused should be worth at least a few million dollars. It could be a class action suit and I know just the sleazy lawyer with a winning track record to represent them: none other than John Edwards. I hear his last job application didn't pan out, so he's available for a third of the winnings. This time when he would be telling the jury "I feel their pain" we'd know he was telling the truth.
What I want to know, is where were these people after 9/11? I don't remember anyone committing suicide or needing intense hypnosis therapy after 3,000 of our fellow citizens got murdered. To them the reelection of George Bush is a greater tragedy than 9/11. For those who are not sure who should be leading the country, this should be proof enough that Liberals are not qualified. We'll watch their movies, listen to their music, and we'll even donate to their favorite charity to save the spotted owl while they're demanding limousines and five star hotels to give up their precious time from shooting their next blockbuster, for which they get 20 million upfront, but we refuse to trust them with the task of defending America. FDR and JFK are long gone, and the Democrats haven't found anyone that can replace them. Joe Lieberman, the one candidate that could have been trusted with our defense didn't even get 10% of the vote in the primaries, so until Zell Miller runs for president I don't see much hope for the Democrats.
As for the P.E.S.T.'s down in Florida I want to put their minds at ease. The country will not become a theocracy under George Bush or any other Republican. If that's what we really wanted we could set it up in a week, since we own all the guns. We just want our values and our symbols respected, because we believe that they are an important part of what made America the greatest country in the world. We want our hard work to be rewarded, not confiscated by the government to subsidize sloth. We want criminals to be punished, with death if necessary, and we want children protected and cared for inside the womb as well as the sandbox. I promise one day you'll wake up and all the born-again Christians that are restraining your plans for a secular humanistic society will be gone and the country will be all yours to run as you see fit, but until then I give you, free of charge, two words and a number that will give you hope and help keep you sane for the next four years: Hillary Clinton 2008. However, November 5th, 2008 you're on your own, so don't lose Dr. Schooler's number.
For years some conservatives have argued that liberalism is a mental disorder. They finally have their proof. The American Health Association has diagnosed a new disorder caused by the reelection of George W. Bush: post-election selection trauma (P.E.S.T). The Boca Raton News reports that as many as 50 people have sought psychological help after experiencing "feelings of extreme anger, despair, hopelessness, powerlessness, a failure to function behaviorally, a sense of disillusionment" brought upon by the devastating Kerry loss.
The condition was aggravated by "unrealistic recount hopes" requiring "intense hypnotherapy" conducted by trauma specialist Douglas Schooler. "A lot of Kerry voters don't know what to do with their anger, because there was no recount, so they've kept it bottled up," said Scholler, who is also a certified sex therapist. "I help them transform their anger into more positive emotions."
I think that instead of calling a shrink these people ought to be calling a lawyer. Their "unrealistic recount hopes" had been directly planted and eagerly maintained by CBS, ABC and CNN when they refused to call Ohio for Bush at the request of the Kerry campaign. All the emotional suffering caused should be worth at least a few million dollars. It could be a class action suit and I know just the sleazy lawyer with a winning track record to represent them: none other than John Edwards. I hear his last job application didn't pan out, so he's available for a third of the winnings. This time when he would be telling the jury "I feel their pain" we'd know he was telling the truth.
What I want to know, is where were these people after 9/11? I don't remember anyone committing suicide or needing intense hypnosis therapy after 3,000 of our fellow citizens got murdered. To them the reelection of George Bush is a greater tragedy than 9/11. For those who are not sure who should be leading the country, this should be proof enough that Liberals are not qualified. We'll watch their movies, listen to their music, and we'll even donate to their favorite charity to save the spotted owl while they're demanding limousines and five star hotels to give up their precious time from shooting their next blockbuster, for which they get 20 million upfront, but we refuse to trust them with the task of defending America. FDR and JFK are long gone, and the Democrats haven't found anyone that can replace them. Joe Lieberman, the one candidate that could have been trusted with our defense didn't even get 10% of the vote in the primaries, so until Zell Miller runs for president I don't see much hope for the Democrats.
As for the P.E.S.T.'s down in Florida I want to put their minds at ease. The country will not become a theocracy under George Bush or any other Republican. If that's what we really wanted we could set it up in a week, since we own all the guns. We just want our values and our symbols respected, because we believe that they are an important part of what made America the greatest country in the world. We want our hard work to be rewarded, not confiscated by the government to subsidize sloth. We want criminals to be punished, with death if necessary, and we want children protected and cared for inside the womb as well as the sandbox. I promise one day you'll wake up and all the born-again Christians that are restraining your plans for a secular humanistic society will be gone and the country will be all yours to run as you see fit, but until then I give you, free of charge, two words and a number that will give you hope and help keep you sane for the next four years: Hillary Clinton 2008. However, November 5th, 2008 you're on your own, so don't lose Dr. Schooler's number.