goverment jokes

[jack hust]

TweetJOKES 127 Government Jokes 5/24/00
It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was
walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in
the snow, "I love you Hillary". Outraged; she asked a secret service
agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent
came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said,
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills
but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hillary
Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he
discovers that she has crabs.
He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has
crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in
his office.
Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual
condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?"
He again responds "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs
in your oval office."
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Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill
wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I
have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you
didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A
man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three
t-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white
mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the
white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her
it was titled: NOT MILK
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President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about
it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
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LETTER TO HEAVEN A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two
weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the
Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton
thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a
thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC
and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95
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Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were
both upset when Bill finished first.
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and
his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk
with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a
wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom,
so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your
half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started
dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced,
"Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry
about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the
news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
guy is my half- brother."
Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says,
dear. He's not really your father."
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Bill Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of ladies
panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he
was up to but didn't want to ask - career limiting move and all that...
After about an hour one young Press Secretary got brave enough to ask
him what he was doing with a pair of ladies panties on his arm.
Clinton replied, "It's a patch.... I'm trying to quit."
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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 ("knowing my
own hidden secrets") and Psalms 52:3-4 ("lies and deceit"), a man wrote
the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income
tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for
$150.00.
"If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
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Clinton Jokes
How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would
have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!"
During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky".
Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky"
Why did Bill get into this problem? He didn't know that harass was one
word.
Why is there no proof? She swallowed the evidence.
Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with
Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that.
That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this
time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------IN
THE DARK
Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from his
Africa trip. Apparently he picked up a strange, life-threatening disease
in one of the villages.
He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He
went under the knife in the early morning, and when he awoke, he saw
that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark.
"Why are the curtains closed?" the President asked the Secret Service
agent sitting beside his bed. "Is it night already?"
"No, Sir," the agent said. "There is a huge fire across the street and
we didn't want you waking up and looking out the window and thinking
that the operation was unsuccessful."
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Lawyer Jokes
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for
an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
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A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a
cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging
to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said
"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat."
The lawyer said " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher
told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a
check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check
arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal
consultation".
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A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the
side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the
road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.
Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down
this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the
lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he
looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that
Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I
got him with my door"

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