Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

I like my women how I like my coffee....

....ground up and in the freezer.

I like my women how I like my scotch....

....twelve years old and mixed up with coke.


A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says "well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him "so, what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds "this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".